Pro Wrestling Theater 3000

He who must not be mentioned

2011-07-25T23:50:00.000-05:00

Episode 2 of "Jobber Radio"

2011-07-03T20:04:00.000-05:00

This week the roundtable loses the talents of Khris and Stuart but pick up the comical musings of Brent who many of you may know as B Dub, writer for PWT3K (cagematch1000.blogspot.com). In this episode the crew tackles many "pressing" issues such as Kelly Kelly's sex life, great entrances, Guess a Nexus, and of course the now historical CM Punk shoot. Enjoy...

Brand New Podcast- Jobber Radio Pilot

2011-06-05T22:59:00.001-05:00

Guys its been a rough few weeks for PWT3K as we haven't posted any reviews. Well we have been contemplating a format change but we still aren't sure. But as some of you may remember B Dub and I were dabbling in a podcast format but then he moved to New York. Well fear not for I assembled 3 of PWT3K's correspondents to throw together a podcast. Now keep in mind this was a trial run with no format or run sheet, completely on the fly. We even change names midstream, and we hope for the next one to be much more crisp. But we did decide to post this one because in its test run with our wrestling focus group it did get positive reviews for being very funny. So I hope you enjoy...

The Smackdown Review 5-6-2011

2011-05-08T22:07:00.001-05:00

A lot happened this week on Smackdown. And when I say a lot, I mean stuff happened and the two hours of television aired. For example. Ezekiel Jackson beat the Big Show with help from the CORRE.

No this isn't a re-run.

And then Zeke walked out on the guys who helped him get a big win. Smart career choice there, turn your back on the people who literally just helped you in your career (this time by the way, without incident). But since Wade Barrett is no idiot, he and the rest of CORRE beat down Zeke backstage.

This is a picture of an Eastern Yellow Robin.

There are hundreds of pictures of this particular Robin online yet

ZERO pictures of CORRE beating up Ezekiel Jackson,

which goes to show how little people cared.

With Laycool finally split Layla has now turned somewhat.. nice.. but that didn't stop her competitive spirit this week. Neither did it stop her from beating Alicia Fox.

By the look on Charles Robinson's face,

her deodorant wasn't quite so flawless.

But Kharma turned out to be a bitch.. yet not for Layla.

Why is it that black women can never get along?

And Diva news didn't stop there as Kelly x 2 was honored by becoming part of Maxim's Hot 100. Which according to WWE.com is a "prestigious list."

Really? Maxim's Hot 100 is prestigious?

I thought it was just a magazine that prepubescent

teenage boys picked up to jack off to.

Not that I'm taking a jab at Maxim here... I mean...

We know where our hits come from...

I just don't buy the prestige. I can however buy that "This has always been a dream of mine," quote Kelly Kelly. Well congrats Kelly #82. But also congrats to Danica McKellar #80, who is not only hotter (thanks to the prestigious Maxim list) but also smarter (thanks to any sort of test, quiz, exam, rubix cube, crossword, sudoku puzzle, or question where Kelly Kelly would answer: 2 in hopes that she accidently found the answer followed by pressing her breasts together, and Dancia would simply answer correctly).

And congrats to those whose hot pockets just dinged.

But beyond the Divas this was your traditional "lazy writers Smackdown" where they decided to let the wrestlers just go out there and do their thing. Which was good for anyone who would want to see Daniel Brian face Sheamus or Sin Cara wrestle Tyson Kid.

Even in a zero gravity enviornment this seems ridiculous

The best writers know when to lift the pen...

Kinda like how I copped out of actually reviewing these matches.

Which is almost as lazy as the writers were when in came to Cody Rhodes. Cody continued on with his Phantom of the Opera bit. You know, "blah blah blah, you're all ugly, and now so am I."

♬ The world showed no compassion to me! ♬

But here's where the night finally gets juicy. Christian is hot off the heels of winning the World Heavy Weight Championship. He has finally accomplished a life long dream at an emotional high after his best friend in the business just retired prematurely. He's finally grabbed that brass ring.

Hurray!

So, when's the next pay-per-view? Who's the easy roll-through opponent you might ask?

here's some fun options...

But Teddy Long had something crazy in store. First off he let the Orlando Crowd decide the number one contender. And then he set the match for tonight.

Randy, while taking liberties with Christian's body

always polite enough not to cup the hand.

The most difficult maneuver ever

(at least if you watch Tough Enough)

But no, and here's where I have to be careful. Let me explain.

You see, in ancient times there wasn't the internet, so to send messages back and forth between people, messages were delivered in person, or carried by human envoys. And at times of war sometimes between enemy camps, for example, messengers would relay news. Sometimes bad news for the receiving party. Thus the recipient upon hearing such news would kill said messenger. In closing...

Don't shoot the messenger.

But if you're part of the angry internet that's pissed Christian lost the title here's an interesting alternative (Don't worry, it's not TNA). http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/790983338/wrestling-revolution I can't say that PWT3K endorses this, but we are intrigued. Plus, watch how that guy mysteriously floats in the video! This could only mean he is capable of the highest quality production! Either that or he's a wresting genie, ready to grant Michael Cole free wishes!

WWE Raw Review 05-03-2011

2011-05-06T15:01:00.001-05:00

Well, well, well look who is having a birthday bash, none other than The Rock and look who has decided to dedicate their show to the celebration of America. Now I am not going to accuse the WWE of thievery of my intellectual rights but I do want to point out that just last week I posted a WWE Raw Review that was a birthday celebration for my non homo life partner B Dub and just as early as Sunday night I posted a PPV Review that was centered around the basis of Bin Laden's demise. Now granted my bday bash for B dub consisted of a joke about him fucking a fat chick and a gay 3 Doors Down Song while The Rock got several clever bday wishes from various celebrities, a heart felt speech from Vince McMahon, and a live Happy Birthday song sung by Grammy Award winning Mya but I was first nonetheless. And one might point out that my "celebration" of America was a few forced terrorists joke and even a snide remark about Congress's fiscal responsibility but nonetheless I was first, and that's what matter. I mean who the fuck remembers the the guy after Christopher Columbus. Anyway happy birthday Rocky, for you I give you apathy and dick jokes...

Lilian gives America a Handjob and The Rock introduces himself- For those of you who weren't aware the WWE is actually contractually obligated to invite Lilian Garcia to any event that is somewhat Patriotic because she has the odd combination of being the daughter of an armed forces father and sings the National Anthem well enough not to be booed out of WWE Events, and despite having a face Mr Ed would go far there are enough people that think she is hot, so Raw kicked off with this...

Someone get that Thoroughbred a American themed dildo and a bucket oats

The fans of Miami love Lilian and they love America but if there is one thing that drunk Cuban defectors and douche bag Miami Heat bandwagon jumpers love it is their hometown boy, The Rock. I mean not enough to pass up a chance to mug his Samoan ass if he were alone at an ATM but hey what do you expect of a city full of greasy uneducated idiots who think that all they had to do was buy some cheap cocaine and they could become Tony Montana. But hey The Rock loves it...

I think the real question is, where is The Rock's birth certificate huh?

Now in between going on and on about how great he is and how much he loves EVERYONE and EVERYTHING The Rock did make himself useful and saved us all a little trouble...

Oh man this is almost as enjoyable as the first time I slept with a fat chick

Man what a start to a party but The Rock wasn't done just yet, he had someone coming to preform for us... Pitbull...

If you're wondering,
this is Pitbull #1 of former ECW team The Pitbulls.
Really an odd guy to preform

Wait a second, okay cancel that, my fact checkers are telling me that he was actually referring to Miami musician Pitbull...

Should have got the ECW guy,
in no way does this man resemble a Pitbull

John Morrison vs R Truth- This was supposed to be a match, but (probably) thanks to ole' horse-face, Rocky, and "pigmented rapper guy" taking almost 40 minutes, this turned into R Truth beating the shit out of Morrison. A lot like Batista beating up Melina's vagina while Johnny Nitro wore a skirt and pom poms cheering on...

This is a brand new angrier blacker R Truth
showing off his new arm/head jumping pulley-thing finisher

Okay just in case you missed the first one R Truth did it again, so now I must comically name it. My roommate the "Ricardo Rodriguez Doppelganger" and I decided on "The Loosey"... you smokers get it

Kharma Kills Bitches Dead- This match was supposed to be Maryse going one-on-one with Kellyx2 but sadly we don't get to experience the catch-as-catch-can wrestling abilities of these two women because Kharma had other ideas. The only question was, who would Kharma sacrifice tonight...

Someone is going to have some new silicone put in

So is there a method to Kharma's madness? Or is she just afraid to get near the WWE's "black hole of charisma" for fear of her own charisma being sucked out?

John Cena vs. The Miz- Seeing as how The Miz is moving away from the WWE Title scene for a while (which is a bigger crime than Jericho getting knocked off DWTS) Miz chose to cash in his rematch clause on Raw (always a bad sign) rather than wait til the next PPV (which I'm sure is only like a week away). Anyway, here are some pictures of The Miz carrying Cena...

If you have been watching Tough Enough then you might think this move is harder to pull off than than watching an episode of Impact! without saying "What the fuck is going on, I though he was a heel?"

Speaking of technically sound moves, every time Cena does this monstrosity, Lou Thez rolls over in his grave, Kurt Angle pops another Soma, and Chris Benoit kills another family in hell

I guess all my criticism got to Johnny boy,
if he concentrated any harder here he might just shart his pants

But at the end of the day the birds were singing, babies were being born, the sun was out and bight, and The Miz was our winner and new champion

Yes The Miz was winner until Senior Official Chiota notices that The Miz already has the WWE Title belt which I guess means that without a shadow of a doubt that he used it. So the match would restart right? Fucking no, no instead the decision was reversed, so your still WWE Champion John Cena...

Dead birds fell from the sky, babies were aborted by the dozen,the sun was giving us all skin cancer, and once again John Cena was champion

Rey and Kofi vs Swagger and McIntyre- Often my roommate and I will watch old wrestling DVDs from the Monday Night Wars or from the Rock and Wrestling Era. It never fails that there will be an odd tag match with a series of top guys or up and coming guys such like this one. And ever time we play two games: how many of these guys are dead? (there are always at least two), and What ever happened to That guy? So, fifteen years from now I assume Rey is passes from heart complications (steroids, massive ego, and tequila are never good for the heart) and Drew will be gone from a pill overdose (you try living up to being crowned the future by Vince while having your wife berate you and physically assault you without prescription pills). As far as what ever happened to that guy, I assume we will be laughing at how Kofi stayed in the mid card for the rest of his career after he botches a Trouble in Paradise and actually knocks out HHH in a Royal Rumble. And Swagger? Well one of us are going to say you know he had an okay career, then the other is going to point out he was underused and finally someone is going to call him former World Champion Jack Swagger and we will all stop down for a second and think about it then in unison go, "Ohhh yeah thats right, he won MITB. Totally forgot about that.". But thank God doing commentary will be Hall of Famer and multiple time champion Alberto Del Rio...

This tandem looks like those two workout partners that you see at the gym that pat each other on the ass just a little too much

Time to drop the Kofi name, which is from Ghana but means born on Friday (gay) and adopt a new angry black gimmick with the name Minkah (Ghana for Justice). He should then start a new Nation of underused African Americans... not really funny just an idea.

I can't decide whether to make a joke about the fact that Jack is about to have a foot of Ghana black snake in his face or that Rey is in the same position he ask so many 9 year olds to get in

I know what you are thinking, with three guys who could use a rub why did Rey have to get the pin? Just keep in mind what that massive ego ends up doing to that tiny heart

Kane vs Mason Ryan- So out of respect for Wrestlegasm's Ray and because I am getting bored with it I am going to withhold all Mason Ryan/Batista jokes from here on out. I mean he has a haircut like his mommy got him ready in the morning, breathes like he's confused on how to do it, and has a tan The Situation would be jealous of, I am sure I can survive. So how would the best wrestler from Wale's since Rob Terry (wow that's competition) fair against the Big Red Machine...

Seriously is it just me or does it seem like Mason's spankees are always about to fall off

Mason reversed a choke slam to pull off this maneuver, umm are the WWE actually building up a Nexus member?

Nexus put the boots to Kane but no fear if the Nexus is beating anyone up we know the first guy down tag team partner or not is always The Big Show. I wonder if the catering table is set up close to the entrance?

So this was the scene after Mason did a non girl spear to The Big Show and almost broke his big ass in half. I know he's got a gay haircut and he can't wrestle but hey the same could have been said about Dusty Rhodes but he did okay (Don't get all up in arms, he was a great entertainer but he was no wrestler)

The Rock's Birthday- So here is the thing, I really have no idea how to review this thing. I mean it was a nice little nod to The Great One but NOTHING happened, I mean literally nothing. Rock talked, Vince talked, video played, and Mya sang, that's it. So I decided it's been a while since I have done a PWT3K Movie Poster so here you go...

This somehow still got better Reviews than Knucklehead

A Thought...

Now that Bin Laden is dead can we bring back Muhammad Mussan

And a Joke to end..

What does someone watching TNA and a pre-teen who got touched by her Uncle have in common? They both feel confused, insecure, and aren't sure if they should talk to anyone about it...

Brandon

Extreme Rules 2011

2011-05-02T17:13:00.001-05:00

Hey there unfaithful readers ( yeah I know you have been reading Wrestlegasm when I'm at work) it is time for yet another WWE PPV. But this is no ordinary PPV it is the non bloody PG Extreme Rules PPV and more importantly it signifies the end of the Wrestlemania Hangover. After this we can get fresh feuds and start the next year. Well no matter what, this PPV will go down in history because we were guaranteed a new first time World Champion and we got the announcement of Osama Bin Laden's assassination shortly after this show.So for this review I am going to try really hard to work in some terrorists jokes...

Randy Orton vs. CM Punk- This feud has been one of the most lopsided feuds of all time, the only time CM Punk has done anything positive the entire New Nexus has been involved, you could say Mason Batista has had more success against Orton than Punk. This match was to be decided by last man standing, and you might think Punk was in line for a win but you would be forgetting Randy has a new heartfelt anti bad guy movie coming out, oh and a new cool beard...

He is soo ruggedly handsome

That kendo stick may be the only thing that CM Punk and The Sandman have in common, well that and I am pretty sure they have both slept with Melina

I suggested he go around the chair, but when Randy saw that free bottle of baby oil he took what seemed to be the quickest route possible

One Super RKO for a Super Foe

Sheamus vs Kofi Kingston- Two non American born guys fighting for the US Title on the day that we would announce the death of Osama Bin Laden, that is more unamerican than fiscal responsibility. It's really a shame we can't hunt down and kill debt collectors, that would really help right now. But I digress, the match was set and it was to be a tables match...

As you can see Kofi jumped out to the early lead...

But Sheamus wouldn't back down as things started to heat up

I hope nobody was planning to eat off that table

Damn Kofi getting more Air Time than Michael Cole... see what I did there?

Congratulations to Kofi Kingston who once again became Fill in the Blank Secondary Title Holder

JR and King vs. Jack Swagger and Michael Cole- Now I was all prepared to review this match till one thing happened... Cole won which means this angle is still not dead so I continue my protest of this debacle till Vince follows in Obama's footsteps and kills this abortion of an angle. Oh well here is some more Zack Ryder...

Woo Woo Woo You Cano It... Scott you are a god

Cody Rhodes vs Rey Mysterio- If there is one match in this world I love it is Falls Count Anywhere, I have never been a fan of "hardcore" wrestling, I would much rather watch a good match with some catch us catch can but despite that I love these matches. Something about two guys beating the shit out of each other in the concourse and concession stands (or in a near by strip club in, in a indy match between CM Punk and Homicide) just makes my wrestling weenie stand up straight. In this match Rey won which he usually does but Cody once again proved he belongs in the main event...

Boston Crab on a handrail, now that is a creative spot

This set up an Alabama Slam which Cody either does out of respect for his first tag team partner Bob Holly or to rip off Kurt Angle who I am sure invented it

So Cody's night ended the same way Melina's does, with the bodily fluid of some random wrestler on his chest and face.

Lay vs Cool- Well as the poorly dubbed over Michelle McCool told us Friday night this match was now a Loser Leaves WWE what she didn't tell you was that the loser of this match would also have to give The Deadman blowjobs for eternity or until death. Let's see who won...

How many of those guys in the front row went home and warmed up a hot pocket with this new material? Don't worry about the kid to the right, he got invited on Rey Mysterio's tour bus afterwords which oddly has no windows on it

I had this same dream the other night, those sheets will never be soft again

Congratulations to Layla who now will certainly spend the next year being seen randomly backstage and being plugged into random and senseless massive Diva Tag Matches.

So I know Michelle has never been popular with the crowd but she was a good wrestler so I'm sure she will get a nice send off... right? ...

If you said Holy Shit, yes that was the right reaction

For those of you who don't know that is Kharma formerly known as Awesome Kong or Amazing Kong and she has one specialty, she kills bitches dead

Big Show and Kane vs. Wade Barrett and Ezekial- Okay look here is the thing, these PPV reviews run long as it is so I'm not gong to review this match because you have seen it, Zeke and Wade argue, Big Show and Kane win, all shit blows up and Kane and Big Show double choke slam whoever is left standing from the Corre, who as a faction has less credibility than the Job Squad. But I do want to point and laugh at two guys who debuted new looks to the non internet program watching Universe of the WWE...

No that is not a white Jay Lethal that is non other than Jacob Novak, notorious from NXT for his lack of charisma, look, or talent. So his response was to mimicked JTG's gimmick, cause that's doing him well

Now I couldn't find an actually picture from Extreme Rules, but DH Smith wore that hat with what seemed to be JBL's old sports jacket with no shirt and red spankees. So apparently DH Smith's career saving gimmick is a Canadian Cowboy Business Man?

Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio- Well this here guys is the reason we got this PPV, currently living at the PWT3K Headquarters is a Christian Peep since The Brood days and Ricardo Rodriguez look a like who may actually love Del Rio more than Ricardo himself, so either way history would be made and the Palace of Wisdom would be ecstatic...

Silly Christian that isn't a hat and Del Rio doesn't wear hats anyway

If Vince McMahon is this ladder than this picture symbolizes Christians entire WWE career up to this point

Right when it seemed the conquering hero was set to capture the prize fucking Bowser shows up throwing flaming hatchets and shit

Fucking asshole, he is trying to break Christian's arm with Hornswoggle's ladder

Congrats Christian, you have been due for a long time and no one can take it away from you. Captain Charisma you made this moment instantly classic

The Miz vs John Cena vs. John Morrison- Before this match I convinced myself that The Miz would retain the World Title despite all the overwhelming evidence such as it has been 10 months since John Cena has been WWE Champion, The Rock is coming Monday and the E will want to up the stakes, The Miz held the belt for 159 days which is about 138 days longer than I think most people thought he would, and Alberto Del Rio vs John Cena is inevitable...

Oh watching this brings me the kind of happiness that only be found in moments like finding out your ex girlfriend who fucked you over got knocked up at a party by a high school kid due to a wonderful combo of ruffies and 4 Loko

Im pretty sure this was on accident but this ended up being a double Brainbuster. Even WWE's botches are better then TNA

John Morrison had the title won but was stopped by the truth. The truth being that maybe he just isn;t ready to be World Champion, oh yeah and truth being an angry black man with a nicotine addiction

A Super AA for a Super Superior Champion, damn it damn it damn it damn it, but I don't want John to be champion. It isn't fair.... okay I'm done throwing my tantrum

Brandon

The End

The Smackdown Review 4 - 29 - 2011

2011-05-01T14:42:00.000-05:00

There's a theme for today's Smackdown Review. Hit the music. You'll know what I mean.

A lot changed this week on Smackdown. Take for instance the draft where John Cena was drafted to Smackdown.

OMG!!!! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!

And then when John Cena was drafted to RAW.

OMG!!! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING BACK!

But even if the WWE draft wasn't change enough, check out what's going on with Laycool who are now set to face each other in a No DQ match at extreme rules where the loser leaves WWE. (call your cable provider for details).

Wait!? An entertaining Diva's story-line with strong personalities, consequences, decent wrestling, a special match not involving a pillow fight, a feud not focused on the diva's championship, and neither is truly a face? Scratch all that, I'm just excited about an entertaining Diva's story-line! Wait? Am I still watching WWE? Am I in bizarro world? Should I start writing like this? Yloh Woc Tahw Si Gnineppah Ot Em, Ym Sllab Era Gniknirhs! (read each word backwards).

But yes it was WWE, and the changes kept coming. Like Rey moving to RAW.

I guess he'll have to go door to door again with that piece of paper.

Even Mark Henry was in on these changes.

Even after losing 50 pounds I bet this still hurts.

And so mid way through this match between Mark Henry and Rey Cody came out to do the whole Phantom of the Opera bit.

♪This face, which earned a mother's fear and loathing,♪

♪ a mask, my first unfeeling scrap of clothing...♪

And then Cody left Rey in the ring like Scott Stiener left most of his freaks.

Hey you gotta beat Will Chamberlain's score somehow.

Paper mask now available at WWEshop.com

I don't know if I've mentioned it lately but Michael Cole is on Smackdown as well as Raw.

Two rosters of athletes, an NXT program full of upcoming talent and a show called

Superstars yet Cole seems to need more TV time than anyone who is an actual wrestler.

So despite my ranting about how tired I am of Cole being such a time suck on every show, his protege and "actual performer" Jack Swagger was set to face Sin Cara.

push-ups during a match, impressive for sure.

But with the incline he might as well be doing girl push-ups.

By the way. I gotta say smart move for Sin Cara moving to the brand where he won't actually have to make interviews.

If this were Evan Bourne I'd make a Jesus joke.

But since it's Sin Cara does that mean it's a Hail Mary joke?

The jury is out until I see what religion he is.

I'm hoping for scientology.

Hey, remember how Kofi Kingston beat Sheamus on RAW for a draft pick? Yeah, I know, I was totally freaking out too. Because you know as I know, that Kofi Kingston actually winning a match is a sign of the apocalypse. The other is Rebecca Black's music video.

My God! That's the day that Smackdown airs.

But back to my point, If there were any way to stop the apocalypse it would be with Sheamus winning this match against Kofi Kingston proving that Monday was some weird hoax.

I'm not person holding a "The end is nigh sign"

But this development seems to suggest we could be saved.

This is the Brogue Kick That tilted the Earth back onto its axis,

and saved us all from a fiery doom.

And to finish out Smackdown Randy Orton joined the RAW roster. And like a good guest Randy brought a neighborhood warming present.

The WWE equivalent of Fruit Cake.

But the changes don't stop there.

Alex Riley is now on Smackdown

No more shall Alex ride the coat-tails of the Miz. He'll no longer carry around a briefcase that has no meaning. No more will he be fetching the Miz's late night Chuncky Money Ice Cream. No more will he be reaching behind the shower curtain to hand Miz his luffa. And no more of these rides.

It's the end of an era.

So back to the review. Alex came out to meet Randy...

And Randy Orton gave him some well deserved fruit cake.

But there was someone who was smart enough to bring some RKO fodder so as to have the advantage on Randy.

oops wrong photo...

You could tell the difference right?

In this one Brotus is wearing a Smackdown T-shirt.

And in rushed Del Rio's Extreme Rules opponent. (If the rest of this review seems rushed it's because I'm headed there in 5 mins).

If you've ever seen an episode of Smackdown you know that this is headed to a tag match,

Randy Orton will end the night with an RKO, Brotus will eat too much catering,

and that Del Rio is into butt stuff.

I've heard of personalized license plates before but I doubt this is legal.

But like a good neighbor ~~state farm is there~~ Randy was sure to bring extra fruit cake.

MMMMMmmm fruit cake... nom nom nom,

WWE Raw Review 04-25-2011

2011-04-28T22:18:00.001-05:00

Hi guys its your WWE Raw Weekly Host PWT3K Co-Creator Brandon. Well I guess technically I am not the host because that would involve me interacting with you the reader live as the show airs which is difficult because I close a lot of Mondays and we really don't have any followers. So I guess I am more like your sometimes weekly cheap joke Raw Recapper? Yeah that sounds right.Tonight is a special Raw, it is the draft and without an ECW to get raped harder than the only pretty girl at the Trailer Park it will be interesting to see who gets the edge this year. So here is my review, which I guarantee will make you laugh , roll your eyes, or say "Oh that wasn't even funny, just racist" at least once...

20 Non Main Event Battle Royal- See already the writers are throwing a wrench into the works, normally the Big Show/Kane dominated Battle Royal is the 9PM/8PM Central main event and it's for 2 picks. But you shouldn't be surprised by the changes, this draft was suppose to be in July but due to Edge feeling numb the WWE realized their biggest stars on Smackdown were a Mexican with cool cars not named Eddie and a funny Blond Canadian not named Edge or Jericho who's biggest accomplishment is the TNA World Title which is like being the smartest kid on the short bus. Once Vince realized he might actually have to push Christian for an extended period of time he demanded the next Raw be a draft, so this thing had less preparation than a Vegas Wedding...

Worst retelling of West Side Story since Liberty University did their take on it that ended with the Sharks and Jets coming together over their common belief that lowering taxes on the rich and slicing health care was the only way to save America from a Chinese overtake

Yeah thats for raising the gas prices motherfucker.Yes they are all members of OPEC

This is the bullshit Malcolm X was talking about man, this is why Big White Show will win

My money is on the bald guy over Batistas' parted hair clone (Ryan) and the only guy on the WWE roster who hasn't seen a Melina naked (Bourne) but then again he's never seen any female naked

Am I alone in feeling that I get more excitement from doing my taxes than watching Kofi Kingston?

R Truth is Entertaining????- Yeah yeah I thoroughly enjoyed R Truth's heel turn and was quite surprised by his ability to be funny and bat shit crazy but I didn't think for one second that he could keep it going. I mean he is still the same annoying ass R Truth who makes me sad every time he cuts a promo right?...

R Truth cuts the fucking promo of his life here, completely channeling Eddie Murphy before he started thinking ideas like Norbit were good.Right off the bat R Truth modifies his catchphrase by saying "Raleigh, North Carolina.. SHUT UP!!!". R Truth would then go on to spew such greatness as responding to the "What?" chants with "You better shut the hell up because you are about to piss me off" and by imitating then mocking a young R Truth fan saying Whats Up. I never thought I would say this, even when he was in TNA but R Truth cut the best promo of the night... by far. But R Truth had some retribution heading his way...

So blowing smoke in Morrison's face pisses him off? But blowing your load in Melina's is cool?

Look someone is trying to hold John back and it's not Vince

I know this is off subject but you think just to make things easier for Melina and to save guys like Honrswoggle and Evan Bourne the time that John should get his girl one of these...

The great thing about this sign is that the drunker Melina gets the lower you can post it. Only take a couple shots of jager and Josh Matthews will be able to ride

Eve vs. Layla- So I am still protesting the Divas until Awesome Kong shows up but Laycool is involved
and it is for a draft pick. So I am going to break this up into three parts, first I'll handle the Laycool situation, then reveal the draft pick, and finally show a hot pocket worthy picture as part of the protest...

Yeah so that finally happened, you know good partnerships make him itch more than crabs (not the kind you eat)

So after years of burying talent on Smackdown Rey gave Cody a parting gift at Mania and got the fuck out of dodge. So how long til Rey buries R Truth's new heel character? I am missing a joke here so here you go, "Rey Mysterio has so much experience making young guys look weak he should get a job as a writer on TNA."

Her only real talent may be getting drilled in the ass on camera by a nobody rapper (and that line forms to the left now) , but she still is grade A material

Kofi Kingston vs. Sheamus- In mu humble opinion there are some things that should just never happen and Kofi beating Sheamus is one of them (I mean unless it's like Kofi's bday and its a house show and all cameras are confiscated). But that is exactly what happened here. So you spend months burying Sheamus just to give him the US Title and try to make the fans forget you spent all that time burying him and then you have him lose random non title match to Kofi that he won't be able to revenge due to him going to Smackdown in the supplemental draft. Well that makes less sense than cutting a 26 year old phenom who can put on a 5 star match and has proved on TV and PPV that he can easily get over with the fans when you as a company lack a supply of good young talent, oh that reminds me, looks who is a Free Agent...

He's like Kofi but with charisma

Oh yeah the match...

Seriously why does every guy have to wear a t shirt during the draft like they are the chubby kid at a public pool

Trouble in Paradise, also known as Trouble for your Career if you are getting hit with this too much these days. That last one was long.

JR vs Michael Cole- So I am still officially protesting this feud for more entertaining stuff that you can't see on TV but there is one picture I won't to show from tonight...

Oh sweet that picture is. Like finding a girl who has nipples just like you like them. I'm a nickel sized and soft guy. Not into the long rough thing.

So anyway long story short, JR beat up Cole, then Swagger beat up JR, then Lawler beat up Cole and Swagger. The End, now here something that is entertaining...

Seriously, get this guy on TV

Randy Orton vs. Local Talent- Okay I guess I need to apologize Randy did not defeat a local talent, it was actually Dolph Ziggler. But I am not joking that when Raw came back from break and Randy Orton got in the ring and in the distance was a generic looking guy who didn't get an introduction I thought to myself, "Why are they doing a squash match on the draft?". But really it pretty much was a squash...

That is the most romantic embrace I have seen between two men since me and B Dub watched John Cena lose to Wade Barrett live at Hell in a Cell

Note to Kurt Angle, that is how you do a RKO

So because of Randy's amazing feat Smackdown got two picks, lets look who they got...

Mark Henry

and...

Sin Cara

Okay I am being told those are not the actual pictures of those Superstars, my bad, I thought that was Sin Cara without his mask.

Wade Barrett vs. Rey Mysterio- The Gentlemen Brit going one on one with the Mexican Jumping Bean for another pick, who will win? Rey Mysterio of course you dumbass...

Looks like a British sitter choking a Mexican baby to death

If Evan jumps for Jesus does Rey jump for his pharmacist who sneaks him those top shelf roids?

And as a result of this win Raw gets...

This guy changes home more than that pothead friend you have than ever since months or so ask if he can crash on your couch for the week

Holy shit the Spanish Aristocrat is headed to the Red Team. Man with Del Rio, Sin Cara, and Rey changing around so much you might think immigration was on their way

John Cena, Mark Henry, and Christian vs The Miz, Del Rio, and CM Punk- So this was just fucking stupid. Yeah I'm sorry but this was just dumb, John Cena gets drafted back to Raw???? I mean I get the irony of The Miz winning the match that drafts Cena back to Raw but really? really? I mean really?...

Mark Henry in that shirt looks like the fat girl at a middle school girl's sleepover. I wonder if he's on Team Jacob or Team Edward

So Mark Henry is "bad" again? You can't see my face but it is expressionless


You know watching The Miz do this to Cena is like blowing my load, no matter how bad my day is or how fucked up the world is, at that moment I feel bliss... too much?

So this is normally when I would end the review but today is special, because today is my non gay life partner and co creator of PWT3K's B Dub's birthday. Now usually we would get drunk and fuck some shit up and probably forget to write our next couple reveiws but this year I am in Dallas and B Dub is in New York, so the best I can hope for is that he gets drunk, brings home a fat broad, and leaves his Skype running.

This isn't gay is it?

And finally a video for PWT3K's own little Don Draper...

http://youtu.be/fjg5TuXV09U

Remember for one dollar a day you can feed a child in Africa and if Cole gave up 5 minutes of TV a week Zack Ryder could be famous..

Brandon

The Smackdown Review 3 - 22 - 2011

2011-04-26T21:43:00.002-05:00

It was a tough week for couples this week on Smackdown. Not only did Laycool continue to spiral into disarray so did the CORRE. Starting the night off the tag team champions Heath Slater and Justin Gabrielle lost the Tag Titles (thanks Ezekiel Jackson).

They might be rivals, but rivals that watch Entourage

still know how to "hug it out bitch"

But when one couple falls apart another couple starts boning.

And who doesn't want to watch that?

Which also brings up the fact that WWE is in England where another couple will soon be making vows. I am of course talking of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

What does this have to do with the Smackdown Review?

NOTHING! It's been a long day!

I like to unwind with celebrities in bikinis! Shut the hell up!

And actually it does have something to do with Smackdown. Michael Cole was knighted so he's probably invited to the wedding. So yeah, justified.

Still can't believe WWE booked the

(what was obviously real and in no way fake) Queen of England...

CORRE problems continued this week when during a championship rematch Ezekiel Jackson (the bumbling idiot of the CORRE) clotheslined Wade Barrett. It didn't however cost Wade the title because of course he was facing Kofi Kingston.

It's amazing but Kofi's career is actually falling faster than Kofi in this picture.

Cody Rhodes was up to his usual antics tonight and again donning his Sith wear.

While he whines ever week it's still not half as bad as Hayden Christensen.

New this week however, was Cody's advice to us. Cover up our ugly faces just like him.

Now available on WWEShop.com

But Rey Mysterio had enough. And it was about time for a Wrestlemania Rematch.

Every time I do this joke I pay 25¢ to George Lucas

Rey pulled a quick pin here but Cody grabbed the last laugh after the match.

Dating Advice from B-dub: Apparently,

girls don't like it when you put one of these on them before sex.

Tonight's main attraction however was Edge's retirement party as thrown by Alberto Del Rio. And what Retirement party is complete without presents?

It's was kinda like that time you got your girlfriend a thigh master and you were surprised she got pissed. But, be honest man, you know she needs to work that muffin top off too. You were the cheapskate who should have paid the extra $250 for the Bowflex. I guess what I'm saying here is, Del Rio should have got the Hoverround. Now that's a real motorized wheel chair and Del Rio could afford it. Don't act like you didn't see the commercials on Price is Right. Fuck Drew Carrey – Bob Barker Rules.

Back to the party though. Del Rio even went as far as to invite Edge's ex-girlfriend and former WWE Diva Lita.

This joke is too easy but –

At least she's taking better care of herself than Matt Hardy.

But I do have to admit, Del Rio sure missed the boat here by starting before the guest of honor actually arrived.

You can retire from WWE but your merchandise never can.

Del Rio then asked Brotus Clay to attack Edge, but Christian was there to retaliate.

He might be getting hit with a ladder here, but he's way better off than Johnny Curtis.

Who's Johnny Curtis? Don't worry I had to look him up too.

(no seriously, didn't know his name. Totally looked it up on Wiki).

Christian then attacked Del Rio. Now ever since R-truth started smoking on Smackdown I feel like we have to be careful what our children are learning from these Superstars. Be they the "bad guys" or no. So I will preface this picture for the children. Do not copy this.

Squinting is very bad for you.

And at the end of the night we were all happy to see Christian hold the World Title over his head.

Don't hold that pose too long Christian,

Vince might see you and get nervous.

WWE Raw Review 04-18-2011

2011-04-21T01:15:00.001-05:00

General Surgeon John Morrison has words with Newport Man R Truth- The WWE's number one contender and resident bad rapper (someone had to pick up John's slack) R Truth comes out to tell the world that when he's world champion he's going to fight everyone all the time. Whoa, hold up there Mr Truth, might want to wait till these actually hatch...

See what I did there?

Now I know R Truth is excited as he should be, I mean this guy went from being a Superstars All Star to being a main event number one contender for The Awesome One's World Title. But if I was R Truth t would keep in mind where he is now...

Kind of hard to win...

Reeeaaallly fing hard to win

But before R Truth could run his mouth too much his good friend and former tag team partner came out to take some friendly barbs at his old friend. These jokes started out innocent enough till Johhny boy implied that R Truth lacked the physical conditioning due to his smoking to win the World Title and then somehow convinced R Truth to put up his Number One contender spot up for grabs in a match. Well I think we can all imagine how this went...

This is the worst decision R Truth has made since he teamed with Pac Man Jones

So R Truth has obviously been exploited by his good friend and just lost the biggest chance of his career, oh well now I guess it's time for Bong Water to hug it out... right?...

Hey man friends don't treat friends that way unless they are drunk and about to fuck the fat slutty girl with the weird sore on her mouth

Now it was shocking enough to see R Truth being "bad" but then came the real controversy...

How hell does that guy have the lung capacity to dance all the fucking time if he smokes?

Well at first this looked like a real loss for R Truth but at the end of the day he wasn't going to win the World Title so this worked out well for everyone, well almost everyone. JoMo is now in the main even at Extreme Rules and R Truth's character for the first time since he got to the WWE is fresh and has made people look.. So who lost you ask, well Johnny Curtis lost, you know the same Johnny Curtis who won NXT and a tag title shot with R Truth...

Sorry Curtis, I don't think R Truth is going to lie about liking your scarf anymore

Evan Bourne vs The New Dolph Ziggler- Evan Bourne has to be the most over jobber of all time, I mean Barry Horowitz wasn't getting this type of pop. But with that said he has two jobs, to either build the credibility of an up and comer or to solidify the credibility of someone being rebuilt. Today he was helping with the rebuilding of the new look Dolph Ziggler...

Oh thank god, I hate when a wrestler has a unique look that makes him stand out. Lucky Dolph now he can blend in with a crowd

So I think you know how this match goes...

Hey looks is a buffer AJ Styles... no wait that is Randy Orton without his tats... no that's the guy Angela use to date, remember he waited on us at Red Lobster, he brought you Shrimp Scampi instead of Coconut Shrimp but you didn't say anything because you actually liked the Scampi a lot?

Sin Cara Gets a Good Rub- This segment started out with your WWE Champion and all out awesome person The Miz coming out to address the issue of John Morrison and R Truth. The Miz says he is upset because he had already started training for R Truth, but the truth is it's just easier to train for a guy who will pass out from dancing before he ever even makes it to the ring. The Miz refuses to leave the ring until the EGM fixes the problem which leads to this guy coming out...

This guy comes out at the oddest times, is it on purpose? Or does he just get lost looking for catering and stumble out onto the ramp?

The Miz and Alex Riley take exception to Sin Cara not being able to read the signs backstage that are in English and start to put the boots to him. But where there is a wrestler in distress who also needs a main event rub, there is John Cena...

Throw in Rey Mysterio and Eve and you have the WWE's Avengers (Evan Bourne can come too, he's like Aquaman)

Since everyone was already out there the EGM decided this was a good time to have a plain ole good guy vs bad guy tag match...

Hey Miz have you meant Sin Cara's crotch? I bet Melina has and Morrison probably bought him condoms, wine and a good luck Hallmark Card

Really? Really? Two of you for Sin Cara? That's a little much, like sunglasses at a bar

Man between this guy and Del Rio I'm starting to think that HHH has a real Mexican fetish going. Look out for Rosa Mendes, she might take the IC strap off Wade Barrett

Michael Cole is Knighted- I'm not even going to get started on how Cole does not fit the criteria needed for one to be Knighted and how half of the American fans watching probably didn't even know that was a fake Queen. Look here is what happened, Swagger beat the shit out of Lawler and Ross and then Cole embarrassed them, you know the same shit that has happened every week since before Mania, or in Ross's case what has happened for over a decade. Look this storyline wasn't that good to start with and it should have most certainly ended with a Lawler win at Mania, so call me lazy but I am putting this one with the current Diva's storyline and I'm not wasting my time or yours with it. So here is something more entertaining...

Support the most under used Broski in the WWE

So Sheamus is still good just in case you forgot- Yes that is a long title but that is the appropriate title. The WWE spent months making Sheamus look incredibly weak and beatable and now they have to try and convince us once again to believe that he is a viscous man beast, so they have him beat... Santino?...

Sheamus looks like Casper meets the Flame meets Captain America

Sheamus you kicked him in the face, you don't have to sell it

Diva Shit- The Bellas are smelly pirate hookers, but this lady isn't...

Me likey

Randy Orton vs CM Punk- So CM Punk and Randy Orton just keep fighting, now on one hand their matches seem to always be good but on the other hand I never know why the hell they are fighting, is this still about the punt thing a couple years ago? Either way we got another good match from these two...

For those at home listening to Michael Cole, no this is not the Anaconda Vice

This move looks more uncomfortable than Mom catching you masturbating to Anime (and you thought all I had was IKEA jokes)

A Superplex? You bet your sweet ass someone hacked Kurt Angle's account and downed two vicodins with a bottle of Jack when they saw this

Yes Randy once again got the win but he also once again got his ass handed to him by Nexus or really by Mason Ryan who had some evil thoughts himself...

Baby Batista and his parted hair haircut insist on first shot at Orton

The Wale's finest son then demands everyone get out of his way so he can repay Randy his punt to the skull but Punk doesn't like where this was going


First The Corre now Nexus, what would we do if we lost these directionless foe lacking factions? I shutter at the thought...

This Review was brought to you by Carl Jr's...

Voice Over- "For him the second rope is the top rope"
"He once won a hot dog eating contest and he didn't even know he was in"
"He invented the slow motion entrance... while running"
"He is the most pathetic man in the world"

I don't always eat fries but when I do I prefer Carl's Jr

Remember No matter How Hard Vince Tries, Its Still Wrestling

Brandon

The Smackdown Review 3 - 15 - 2011

2011-04-18T21:46:00.002-05:00

Yes PWT3K Smackdown Review fans, for once I actually got the review up. Don't give me too much credit though, I'm swamped at work which means this is short and Brandon and I are still trying to get to that Podcast we promised, but I think we're going to make it happen... eventually. Don't hold your breath...

Cody Rhodes starts out the Review this week. Mind you, these days Cody Rhodes is no longer dashing and more resembles a sith lord. In which case when I show him I will now include a light-saber.

Already looks better than the new trilogy.

But like any Star Wars Movie (good or otherwise) there was a jedi there to cause great boredom.

If you think the tiny light-saber is a size joke you're only half right.

I'm just saying, to a kid who takes the candy and gets in the van it doesn't feel that small.

(see total mislead)

This has nothing to do with the match,

I just thought Layla looked cute.

Rey attacked Cody here for some reason, though it really just seemed like Rey was pissed that he lost at WrestleMania.

He might be deformed but still better looking than Darth Maul.

After clearing the ring and galaxy of the Dark Side Rey was then set to go toe to toe with an even greater foe. A Scotsman with a ponytail.

Notice I said toe to toe and not face to face.

I was sort of happy to see Drew. You know, I feel bad that he missed out on Wrestlemania. It happens sometimes but he put on a great show tonight so hopefully he'll be getting some more spotlight soon. Plus...

I still miss you... :(

So yeah, back and forth match, yada yada. Booker T dropped some "wait a minutes," then Rey hit the 619 and got the win.

Next up the Corre was out in full force once again this week to watch their teammate Ezekiel Jackson beat Kofi Kingston.

It's like sitting in the splash zone at Sea World.

And while they don't seem to be getting along at the moment at least they seem to be starting to win some matches.

Even Zeke cringes at how much his finisher hurts.

Speaking of teams breaking up. LayCool continued to walk down separation road. That's even despite marraige counseling. I'm just sad we don't get to watch the make up sex between shows.

This isn't bad though.

But like I said things came to a head here when McCool Pushed down Layla.

Damn McCool... We get it. You're taller than Layla. Now take off the heels.

There's nothing like a battle royal to decide the new (in this case other) number one contender. You know how this works. Hit play on the video for a little Battle Royal music.

If you're the first eliminated in this match

I can almost guarantee you an impending future endeavors.

Sorry JTG, I'll keep Brooklyn warm for you.

You can't beat King Koopa like that!

You're supposed to use the axe to break the bridge!

In a smart move to save his PPV chances Michael Cole saved his tag partner Jack Swagger from a eminent 619.

Either that or he doesn't know how to time out hugs.

Alberto Del Rio went out of his way to make sure Christian tied his shoes.

And with his laces firmly in place,

Christian kicked Del Rio in the head

and dodged a flying Swagger for the win.

For the benefit of those with flash photography,

this was quite the moment.

Edge retires from WWE and relinquishes the World Title -

Rather than write this poorly with pathetic jokes I'll keep it short and sweet. Thank you Edge. You had a great run, we appreciate everything.

WWE Raw Review 04-11-2011

2011-04-12T00:51:00.002-05:00

Once again I want to apologize about the lack of reviews lately, sadly job, school, and health often do not understand me and B Dub's passion for thinking we are clever and important. We are trying to get a short podcast together to talk about some stuff we have missed lately to make up for it a little, but til then here is an actually Raw Review, and fuck me if it doesn't have new contenders, retirements, and APPLE? This should be fun...

John Cena the Ryan Seacrest of the WWE- Yes do not fear John Cena is out to start to show and remind us the WWE "Universe" how great we are and how great the WWE is and how great everything is..This guy would put over AIDs if Vince got it, and hell you know those damn kids would buy infected needles by the box if he did. But I digress, Cena is here to tell us he thinks he should be the number one contender for the World Title...

As this guy would say... Really? Reaaaallly?... Really?

You are probably thinking, wait a second, John was number one contender and he lost his match, doesn't that generally mean that there is a new number one contender or at least a match to find one? And usually you are right but Cena has reason behind his bold claim... "But I'm already in the Main Event at WM 28 so I need he belt." Thank god someone for once doesn't agree, actually several people disagree...

This is the easiest game of which one of these doesn't belong with the other ever... And no that is not a race joke... Wait I have another one, if they were worried about meeting some kind of race quota they could have just put Evan Bourne in black face... Now that was a race joke

Since everyone didn't decide to just concede John Cena the belt for his match against The Rock the EGM made a 5 man gauntlet match to decide the number one contender, well at least we know R Truth won't win... right?... right?...

One of the F'ing Bellas Won the Diva Title- Just in case you forgot I am still protesting the Divas Division on Raw until Awesome Kong shows up and kills some bitches dead. So as I promised here is some material instead...

You might need two paper towels for this gentleman

Now with all of this said there was some encouraging news on the Diva front with this video airing...

Just in case this video gets taken down go here... http://vids.wwe.com/11733/raw-a-twisted-new-force-is-comin

Sin Cara vs. Primo Colon- Holy fucking shit... I don't know how else to react to this match. Sin Cara did moves that seem physically impossible with what seemed like ease. And not to get all wrestling nerd but if you get a chance go back and watch this match and appreciate how well Primo does at taking and selling Sin Cara's unique offense. Now I attempt to mock this masterpiece...

Look who has little fans, if this guy buys a windowless van little Rey may have some competition

I want to see this guy and Evan Bourne see who can jump higher for Jesus. Catholic vs Baptist. I don't know a lot about those two religions but I'm pretty sure in both it's a sin to touch your own penis, even if you are peeing


If you are wondering, that is a back flipping reverse Rock Bottom thingy off the top rope. I can't wait til some kids get drunk enough to try that in their backyard so I can watch it on Tosh.0

The Corre vs. The Apple- Before we get to the APPLE lets explain what The Corre was out to do.... self implode. Yes WWE that is the successful formula for a faction, before you get even ONE member of the group over have them turn on each other as the crown slowly stretches and yawns. But right as it looks like The Corre is over, they get a new rival group, The Apple...

APPLE also known as, Well we have to get them on TV somehow

Do you think Kurt Angle is mad that Zeke stole shaving his head from him and Daniel Bryan stole being white?

The Corre has worse chemistry than the Miami Heat and less talent than the Washington Wizards

Heath Slater getting a pin on TV? I looked for a full moon but there wasn't one

Jerry Lawler vs. Jack Swagger- So the stipulation on this match was that if Jack wins this whole Cole/Lawler thing is all over (oh please god) but if Jerry wins then he gets a match at Extreme Rules against Michael Cole with the stipulation of his choice. Guess who won...

Look the old man's still got it, and he doesn't have to bleed every time he makes an appearance

Is it time we quit referring to it as X Pac heat and start referring to it as Cole Heat

So now it's Cole and the guy he slapped, Swagger vs. King and JR at Extreme Rules. I swear if this all doesn't end with JR back as an announcer I am going to write an angry letter to the WWE

5 Man Gauntlet Match- So who wins this? The obvious choice is always John Cena but Randy Orton is due his turn but John Morrison would be good at this type of PPV as a test in that spot. Well at least we know R Truth won't win... right?... right?...

First out is Randy after he got a visit from some of his old friends

Next out is Dolph Ziggler... No biggie that's just one R Truth pin fall, they are probably just setting up the ex tag team members

Next out is John Morrison... Okay now usually I would be freaking out but we all know Morrison is in trouble for giving Trish the cold shoulder and Cena is still left

Yes it looks as though Cena is going to get the win... wait what the hell did I just say in a positive manner?

Oh thank god, thanks to The Miz and A Ry there is no winner in this match... right?

So now that R Truth and Cena have been disqualified who will be the number one contender... or contenders...

WTF!?!?!?!! Both of them are number one contender?!?!?! That's like someone asking me if I would prefer to eat Awesome Kong's pubic hair or eat Samoa Joe's shit after a 2 weeks diet of Taco Bell then when I finally choose Kong's pubes they go, just kidding you have to do both... I hate you Vince, why can't I just eat the pubes?

Edge's Announcement- So this wasn't the main event but in this review I felt it was appropriate that this be the end. In a shocking turn of events, Edge announced due to spine problems he will never wrestle again and must retire. In me and B Dub's group of wrestling fans we are mocked because we are labeled the Edge fans. Now while I haven't exactly enjoyed Edge is his last couple of roles as Face he does deserve credit for carrying a weak Smackdown Roster with little support from the writers. And more importantly Edge deserves credit for being that pest that people just kept predicting was going to fail and never did. Whether Edge is a Hall of Fame headliner is much debated by the PWT3K staff and correspondents but what can't be argued is that he is a Hall of Famer. In the end there are some things that you can't take away from Edge, he has more title reigns than anyone in WWE/F history, in a industry full of egos he was willing to look weak and take the pin fall for the story, and he did something Kurt Angle and HHH failed to do... get people to cheer for John Cena. Who would have thought that Matt Hardy would leave the WWE to a chorus of eh while Edge would retire in front an audience of tearful fans and peers? We here at PT3K thank Adam Copeland for putting his life and body through hell for our enjoyment...

Thanks to youtube account alejandrogch1 for the video

Keep it Rated R for Edge

Brandon

A Wrestlemania 27 Review Part 1

2011-04-04T17:31:00.000-05:00

The hiatus is finally over and more importantly so is Wrestlemania, I love Mania season but it is exhausting and very difficult to write for since storylines are just sitting in place until that one night where they can come to a pinnacle or in the case of Sheamus and Daniel Bryan be turned into a Dark Match Battle Royal. Now Mania is over and it had its up and its downs but as always it was a spectacle and a way for the WWE to prove once again their production quality is unmatched in any industry. Now time for me to take this once of a year career changing event and mock it and turn it into cheap masturbation jokes...

The Rock Pep Rally- Before I start tearing The Rock apart for boring me to tears for 10 minutes I thought I'd give you a peak at this year's set...

Love it or hate it, no matter how many 5 star matches the other guys have, they can't do that

Now you Rocky, yes for this segment you are once again Rocky. Despite the satellite feeds, despite the exaggerating about never leaving, and despite getting schooled by Cena on Raw I was still looking forward to you "Hosting" Wrestlemania and all that would entail. I had no idea it would feel like one of these...

Not exactly but not too far off

Yes The Rock enthralled the dead Atlanta crowd for over 10 mintues with awkward "dramatic pauses" and great chant starts as when I say Wrestle you say Mania. This guy should being hosting and winning the Oscars. The good news was he did stop and we had our first match, The World Title Match?!?!...

Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge- Yes I have to say this is a Wrestlemania first, the World Title leading off the show, in Atlanta of all places where it was defended in so many classics. And to think Batista got pissed when him and Taker had to go second to last. With that said Edge and Del Rio haven't had the best chemistry coming into this match but seemed to put it aside for the next 10 minutes to preform a solid opening match...

Man this guy is classier than $2000 rims on a $1000 Chevy Impala

So either one of the suspension cables broke on the square or its "art"

That usually deadly Cross Arm Breaker was less effective then a condom against crabs


Come on Edge change your finisher, I should never utter the words man Rhyno could have done that better

Well in a way that I simply cannot describe I wanted to see Edge drop the belt to Alberto Del Rio tonight but I figured if nothing else we will see Christian turn on Edge and supplant himself in a main even feud. But instead he took part in shenanigans like this with Edge...

Vince: Did you have fun Christian? Good now go back to the midcard I need someone to job to Wade Barrett

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes- As one would expect this match was very entertaining and very technically sound. And of course we had the fun of seeing what costume Rey would wiear this year to lure kids into his van after the show...

A tiny Mexican who has Mexican tattooed across his chest dressed as Captain America? Ironic don't you think?

New Jacket? Check New Music? Check New Trunks? Check New Knee pads? Nope, looks as though the Baby Gap is still out of stock

Delayed standing suplex from the second rope? Eat your heart out postmortem Bulldog

Wow Rey actually put over Cody at Mania. I bet they give him the belt next week to make up for that decision

The Corre vs. Team No Storyline for Mania- Look I am going to be honest with you, I got up to get a beer then sent a text message to B Dub and when I looked up the match was over, but this was what I saw...

With great technical wrestlers such as Big Show, Kane, Santino, and Zeke I am sure this match was at least a 3 Star

CM Punk vs. Randy Orton- So this feud has bored me more than a Dean Malenko/Bret Hart match but despite that this was a match I was actually looking forward to and they didn't disappoint. These two guys have good chemistry and Punk never lets me down...

Oh Silly Punk, that's not a trampoline

Cole get a pen, paper, and a fucking digital camera and write this down, that is the Anaconda Vice...

I feel like there is a joke here involving my creepy uncle and a glory hole but I just can't seem to find it

So the guy who has anger management problems and punts people in the temple beat a guy who refuses to put any foreign substance in his body. Only in wrestling did the "good guy" win

Continued in Part 2

A Wrestlemania 27 Review Part 2

2011-04-04T01:39:00.001-05:00

Continued from part 1

Jerry Lawler vs. Michael Cole- On paper this match seemed to make perfect sense for Mania, because as any non Indy mark will tell you, shows need ebb and flow, this match would have worked perfectly as a fun 5 to 7 minute segment to buffer between Orton/Punk and Taker/Trips. You know give people time to sit down, collect their thoughts but also get the fun of seeing SCSA and seeing Cole get his ass handed to him. Well on this one the WWE looked like Terrell Owns trying to catch a ball through the middle, they dropped the ball. This match went 14 minutes and felt much longer. In my crowd such comments were made as "I would rather watch an Impact!", "Why isn't Rob Terry wrestling?" and "So can we replace this with a Divas Battle Royal?". I don't want to put you the reader through what we went through so here are some of the more enjoyable moments...

See Hardy when he's intoxicated it's fun, when you do it, its sad

Most shocking part of this match? Cole's gay ass tattoos

No jokes here, just happy for Lawler. You could tell this was a chance to mark one of the last things off the Bucket List

If this moment didn't make you smile then you haven't watched Raw in months

Tell me, he didn't just do that

Undertaker vs. HHH- Now let me just state the obvious, this match was not as good as either of the Taker/HBK matches. With that said this match embodied everything that is Wrestlemania, two larger than life characters giving everything they have like it is the last match they will ever wrestle, this was signified by the fact Taker couldn't even get up to walk himself to the back after the match. Taker coming out to Cash and HHH coming out to Metallica, is the epitome of pulling out all the stops for the biggest show of the year, and in my opinion the match lived up th the hype...

"For Whom The Bell Tows" with shielded guards? Too much or just enough?

One of the best moments of the night, these fuckers took out the Cole Mine

Yeah Trips didn't do any better than Deuce at catching Taker... think he will get released too?

So there were a few of these...

And a couple of these...

A whole lot of these...

And even one of these, but none of it mattered...


Taker continued The Streak with the worst submission move in the world

I just want to say that if you didn't enjoy that match then stop watching the WWE because that match was everything that is great about the WWE. And PWT3K doesn't do this often but I want to thank both of these guys, because they literally left everything they had in that ring.

Brunette Mafia vs. Dolph and LayCool- Man did the crowd ever need a fun easy match like this after that to thank about what they just saw. And boy did my crisp jeans get tight (yes I wore jeans but I also wore a dress shirt and tie because I respect the formality of Mania) when Trish came out, my god she is still amazing. Oh and that piece of shit Snooki even impressed me a little with her surprising athleticism...

In the famous words of a drunk friend of mine, "I would eat shit out of her ass with a spoon if she asked"

I don't know where I fit in this equation but I willing to use any method to figure it out

Yeah apparently that drunk ass orange oompa loompa can do some fucking flips

Let's play Date, Bop, Kill... Date: Trish Bop: JoMo Kill: Snooki

The Miz vs. John Cena- This match was prefaced with two good videos but The Miz's may have been one of the best the E has ever done, I don't know how long this will be up but enjoy...

Have to respect how far this guy has come, he works his ass off

Sadly, after the videos the tilt went back to John Cena who had a full on badass black choir to sing his entrance opposed to The Miz who had a gay ass white balloon that said Awesome. But tonight things would not go as many would have predicted...

The Miz may had some help in this match but he did get out of this and actually kick out of an AA, and that may have made me hornier than Trish did

Well of course Riley got involved, why wouldn't he? So Brodus and Riley... looks like the goal should be to finish second or third on NXT

Wait WTF? A Double Count Out to end Wrestlemania?... God no this isn't that trash that is TNA

So finally our Wrestlemania host comes out and does something worth a damn when he restarts the Main Event as a No DQ match that must have a winner. Then he does something even greater...

I knew The Rock would finally do something more epic than play Mania Emcee


Come on you know you are happy The Miz Era will continue... sure beats the hell out of Cena crushing everyone

Now I would have been perfectly happy with the night ending that way but in the end this night was about the return of The Rock, no matter how bogus it may be...

Love it or hate it, this was certainly a Mania you won't soon forget

Goodnight and now keep your eyes open for the post Mania Future Endeavors, Im looking at you JTG
Brandon

The Rock follows no one

2011-03-31T08:46:00.000-05:00

Figuratively and Literally.

WWE Raw Review 02-14-2011

2011-03-20T21:50:00.001-05:00

The Rock Plays with a Kid- Raw starts off with The Rock supposedly on the phone with only guy who makes more appearances via satellite than himself, President Obama. Which makes sense because they are both extremely busy and very important people. I mean President Obama has some serious shit on his plate like rising tensions and violence between Muammar Gaddafi and the Libyan People and The Rock has decide whether to do another Disney film or another action masterpiece like Doom...

How did he not win Best Actor for this?

But I digress, The Rock was actually very funny this week, I mean it was from his office in his house, but I mean it's Cena telling kids jokes live or The Rock being funny via satellite (that's why I choose The Miz). This week The Rock invited Cena to his house and he came...kinda...

A Black Samoan with a young white boy in his house? Better be glad he's rich or the cops would be all over his ass

During this video The Rock finally does land what I consider a bit of a hay maker, when the young Cena claims the problem is that Cena's "just not that talented". This wouldn't cut so deep if it wasn't for the fact that a lot of the wrestling world say the same thing on a daily basis. But at the end of the day this video continued The Rock's message that Cena is a PG whore, which is in no way ironic at all right...

Yes that is The Rock on Hannah Montana getting a makeover

The Miz Saves us from the Mundane- Yes we got The Rock/Cena thing over now can move to the must see WWE Champion, The Miz. The Miz continues to point out that despite the fact that everyone is talking about Cena and The Rock week after week it is he who is standing tall. All seems well till the EGM sticks his nose into it all and claim that there is one man The Miz has yet to beat...

Really? I mean really? This is the best card you had up your sleeve

So the EGM made the potential 5 star match of Khali vs The Miz...

This is actually video footage at real time speed

See what you did Cena, you set a precedence, no one takes a firing serious. Hell I hear people on The Apprentice are just laughing at Donald Trump

You know, who doesn't wake up and think man I sure would like to see a guy like The Great Khali get some more in ring action?

Michael Cole "Exposes" The King- This segment of Raw was somehow funny, entertaining and completely tragic. Michael Cole claimed he had someone from The King's past that would expose The King for who he is. Cole gets points for surprise factor but failed to expose anything we didn't already know...

No no that is not a bloated member of the Jersey Shore, let me give you a little reminder...

Yes that is Brian Christopher, son of the King, Grandmaster Sexay, and resident life long fuck up

Cole's goal was to make us feel bad for Brian and realize that King is a deadbeat father. I hate to break it to you Cole but we already know the King put his career over his family and enjoys women a third of his age more than Charlie Sheen loves free press, none of this is news to us. And lets face it, Brian when you are 18 and can't find your identity you can blame your neglectful Daddy but when you are 37 and you can't stay sober enough in public to stay out of jail then that's on you. Oh and some fatherly advice from your friends at PWT3K Brian, do not try to go take drugs through these...

That idea wasn't Too Cool

Now its no secret that the entire world is tired of Michael Cole's shit, but I believe there is one man who hates it more than the rest of us, and he came out to the biggest pop of the night...

Hey Vince when an ex announcer gets a bigger pop than The Rock maybe you should take that as a hint

Michael Cole threatened good ole JR which caused Jim to get ready for a old fashioned slobberknocker before another Sooner would come in to ruin the fun...

More proof that JR is the only good thing to come out of that Salvage Yard that is the state of Oklahoma

B Dub insisted I work this joke in so here I go... Looks like Michael really has his new finisher down and even a nifty little nickname, The AnCole Lock

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus- Oh thank the Lord someone finally looked over the run sheet and said hey umm you know Daniel Bryan is still over and is the US Champion and hasn't had a real storyline in months. Then someone waited for Kevin Dunn to walk out of the room and said yeah and you notice we spent valuable TV and PPV time making Sheamus a 2 time World Champion in his first year and now he just loses a lot while dressed like a villian from one of The Rock's Disney films. Boy I never thought I would be happy to see Daniel Bryan lose the US Championship, but at least it means a storyline and possibly a Wrestlemania match...

I have been watching hours of Lock Up on MSNBC lately and all these moves look like a form of prison rape

The Brouge kick knocks out Bryan faster than a Jeff Hardy rehab stint

Exactly what I needed, another reason for me and the rest of the Irish community to drink the week of St Patrick's Day

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan- Look I care about you the reader entirely too much to once again make the same jokes about the same match. Randy wrestles fill in the blank New Nexus member and after they job to him he kicks them in the head as CM Punk begs him to stop. This feud has had less surprises than an old school Goldberg match, but sadly it has lasted much longer. So here is something more entertaining, a 12 minute Botchamania video of just TNA's Victory Road...

Look all shows have botches and this guy is the expert at finding them, but sending your world champion out to wrestle so high he can't walk straight isn't a botch its just poor business

Trish Stratus vs Vickie- This match would decide the fate of Vickie's job, so for once in my life I was cheering against Trish... but hey Vickie is good TV. And thanks to Laycool I get what I want which is a Vickie win, unfortunately I get a Snookie Wrestlemania match too, but I will let it slide because that bitch is a publicity magnet and this gets Dolph and Morrison (two dudes that would be on the top of my list of dudes to do if I had to do a dude) and even Trish and Laycool on Wrestlemania...

Yes that is Snooki, no that is not something Hornswoggle dragged out from under the ring

Can they make hot pockets that don't take so long to heat?

Speaking of Hot Pockets someone lube me up

Damn it, matches like these leave all my keys stickier than honey

John Cena vs. Alberto Del Rio- Wow does this match have a ton of combustible elements. I mean between Ricardo, Brodus, Edge, Christian, The Rock (what he could interfere via sattelite), and The Miz this match has a snowball's chance in hell of ending with a clean finish. On the scale of "actual likelihood of happening" this match ending clean lands somewhere between a 5 Star Matt Morgan match and a John Cena Oscar Nomination. But here's some cheap jokes to help you through...

Wow slow down John, the PG era isn't going anywhere

Yeah not very many people know Del Rio has his Chiropractor License

Stupid Brodus, ADR had Cena right where he wanted him

Superman seemed done as he was being beaten down by the evil villains, but would a unlikely friend come to the rescue....

Hey its a short white Rock... yeah like you would put it past the guy to send a stunt double to Raw

Man when is this guy going to get the respect he deserves from the wrestling world, even his Rock Bottom is Awesome

What a storybook ending, The Miz leaves our fallen hero to die like a strung out hooker in an alley

Goodnight and remember to always lock your refrigerators and medicine cabinets before having the Hardys over

Brandon

The Smackdown Review 3 - 11 - 2011

2011-03-19T11:31:00.001-05:00

WWE's own cheerleading troop was at it again this week, picking on The Big Show and Kane.

No not that cheerleading troop...

Although, is that a World Champion I see?

Yes, that Cheerleading troop.

And actually I like these uniforms better.

So a tag match quickly was underway. Kane vs. Heath Slater and Wade Barrett, or as it appeared to me, the match where everyone made funny faces.

I call it the "Flying Fart line".

I call this the "Chipmunk Cheek Chair Shot".

I call this one "Kane taking it from behind"

So yes, things fell apart as Corre story lines tend to do. BTW

JUST QUIT IT! IT'S ANNOYING!

Almost as annoying as RAW Replays on Smackdown, or Michael Cole. Oh, speaking of which.

Yes John, he pisses me off too.

So Cole set up a special interview of the century with John Cena (who actually shows up to Smackdown and RAW this week, *ahem, *Rock, *cough, *ass wipe). Then John preceded to make me even happier with attempting an Attitude Adjustment.

Thanks John, you're making me question my religion

Now that I might be starting to become a fan

(guys, I'm sorry I take it back,

I'm just really pissed at The Rock for getting my hopes up).

But of course Jack Swagger was there tonight to make the save.

Up next was the Undertaker making a challenge... no wait, that was RAW... Nope, more clips from RAW... hmm let's see here, then the video of the Rock via satellite via RAW.... followed by Zack Ryder wiping his ass hole.. no wait that was just a RAW replay too... Ah here we are.

Triple H's answer to no holds barred at Wrestlemania.

"Yes."

... Yep covered... not much to work with here guys... But we did have this.....!

So how do you reunite one of the best tag teams of the 90s for one night only?

Yeah these guys.

Two guys who have both moved on to have successful singles careers. Perhaps one of the few teams to have real success individually to the level at which you can say they are superstars in their own right. Also mind you, a team that defined tag teams for a decade, if not longer. Superstars that haven't been in the ring together for the better part of a decade. Something the WWE has held back so long it hurt only for the pain to become so numb that we don't even realize it's there? What do you think? On a PPV with weeks of build up? On a Smackdown so important this pairing was the only thing that could do it justice? No...

You just blow it tonight with ZERO BUILD UP and against Albert Del Rio and this guy.

And yes, as Wrestlegasm so eloquently put,

"The guy who looks like King Koopa"

Well at least the other guy looks impressive.

I want this to happen every time I walk into a room.

Think how easy it would be to get laid.

From this angle the hot tag looks more settle for what you can tag... GET IT!!?!?

Vintage weak finish.

And surprise, surprise, here's who won.

Ah, they're ~~brothers~~ friends again

Sorry for the crappy review, but it's hard to feel bad for you as I'm headed to Madison Square Garden tonight for RAW! Be jealous.

WWE Raw Review 03-07-2011

2011-03-15T23:42:00.001-05:00

The Deadman Speaks- Taker opens up Raw by coming out and touting his streak which by all means is impressive but now that Taker has beaten Shawn twice in a row a lot of people forget about some of the other fierce opponents Taker defeated in "classics"...

Nothing special about this guy except they usually don't stack Mexicans that high... probably because vans without windows aren't that tall

Yes he is big as a freight train, black as a basement with the lights out, and has about as much talent as the Paris Hilton

While most of what Taker said was stuff we already heard he did make one huge announcement, the match type...

Kind of like this but think somehow younger and much more talented

Randall Orton Rolls- Randy was backstage practicing different punting techniques when he was "attacked" by the remaining members of the "new" Nexus. But it looked to me they were just helping Randy to the ring for his match...

Between me and you I think Randy had been drinking

This beat down eventually led to a match where it would seem that David Otunga had the advantage, but one thing we have learned in his short time in the WWE is that Otunga never has the advantage...

I show this picture because Otunga did not botch this move and for that I think he deserves some credit

This Orton/Punk feud is as formulaic as an episode of Glee, except there are no hot chicks to satisfy your borderline wrong fascination

This was the effort Punk gave to stop Orton from punting Otunga, and the wrestling world applauds your apathy Punk

Christian vs. Brodus Clay- Hey its my favorite TNA Champion of all time facing my favorite Rookie from NXT Season 4 (boy I had to stretch for something on Clay). Sadly for Clay his Pro Debut did not go as well as his Pro Alberto Del Rio's did...

Clay filling the much needed man boob void that has been left by Viscera and Ric Flair

He is like a much larger version of the Human Suplex Machine, except he isn't a whiny little bitch who gets mad when people challenge him on twitter... want in on the joke then go here

Do you feel like Del Rio just brought Clay into the mix so Christian wouldn't feel like a third wheel with him and Edge

Eve vs. _____ Bella- I am a man of my word, and I continue my protest of the Diva's division until Awesome Kong debuts. I refuse to write about those dirty Bellas so warm up your hot pocket and loosen your wrist because here is some material...

Yes I know and she plays video games too. If your pants just got tighter don't worry that is normal

Beer, Stunners, and JBL, Oh My- Michael Cole got into the ring to do what he does best, make a mockery of the entire industry. But while doing that he did introduce who he wanted to be his coach and that was a win...

For the last time no this not Alberto Del Rio

JBL came out and cut a good promo talking about how much he hates bullies, which isn't ironic right...

But in JBL defense, that guy is fat and dresses different so he had it coming

All seemed well for Michael Cole and then the glass shattered and all hell broke loose...

Wow is it 1998, 2004, or 2011?

Austin would continue to pour beer on all the bad guys and sign JBL's contract making him the Special Referee for Cole vs. Lawler. Man this match is going to have someone and something from every era of wrestling except actual wrestling.

Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan- Not really much to talk about here, Sheamus rolled his ankle shortly into the match and got counted out. Sheamus then went on to challenge Bryan for the US title on the next Raw claiming he would quit the WWE if he lost. But for some entertainment here is a video that makes me laugh...

Remember when this seemed like a big problem for TNA?

Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison- So here's the deal, this review is getting long and is already over a week late, so we finish these last two segments with lightning reviews. So Dolph has been hired to Raw and he beat Morrison. All seemed well but then EGM informed Vickie Dolph had a job not her so she would have to beat Trish Stratus next week to earn a spot on the Roster. So here is a video that is funnier than me...

This guy is "winning", sorry had to work it in somewhere

Cena Throws a "KO"to The Rock- Don't get me wrong I am enjoying the verbal banter between The Face of Parental Guidance and The Most Electrifying Tooth Fairy in all of Entertainment but it is starting to feel like a real life twitter feud without a 140 character limit. Much like twitter both of these guys have a chance to roll their chair back and wait a week to come up with a new response which is inflating their performances. I will really be interested when these two get in the ring together live with live mics, til then I will be happy with the forgotten man in all this stealing the show every week...

Problem with defacing your opponent all the time by treating them as weak? You look a lot worse when you get your ass laid out

Don't worry young ones this will all end up with your Purple Hero no selling Miz's entire arsenal and winning the World Title

I'll See You On the Next Page
Brandon

The Smackdown Review 3 - 4 - 2011

2011-03-12T07:57:00.000-06:00

The truth hurts sometimes, like when you realize you have 9 mins to put up two more Smackdown Reviews before you go into work on a FUCKING SATURDAY! Or like when you watch Smackdown and YOU ONLY GET TO SEE FUCKING CLIPS FROM RAW!

Pick you're excuse, I've got nothing for this Smackdown Reveiw. But I did get a good chuckle from John Cena's words about the Miz and Alex Riley riding a tandem bike.

It's the least I could do for the readers right?

No seriously, could I get away with less?

The Smackdown Review 2 - 25 - 2011

2011-03-12T07:44:00.000-06:00

You know, I've always said to myself, "There's nothing like working on the Saturday that you planned to catch up on the Smackdown Review" Wait No! I've never said that! In fact it sucks... Well anyway here's what you missed in the mere 25 mins I have before I have to head to the office.

Cody Rhodes returned deformed and hideous.

Now a lot of you might think the clear mask he wears is clear, and that you don't see any real disfiguration. Well you're wrong. You see Cody Rhodes is apparently so in tune with his looks that even a sing eyebrow out of place destroys the masterpiece that is his face. Vain people are like that. I should know.

So he pulled the ~~ultimate~~ traditional setup here of having his dad Dusty Rhodes make him apologize to Rey (for what I'm not sure, It's not like Cody had done anything to Rey at this point) and then Cody turned on Rey.

I'm not going to say Rey's an idiot, but if he fell for this, maybe he needed a lesson...

Cody Rhodes playing Hamlet.

In other small news Laycool continued their half hearted breakup.

Will they? Won't they?

Oh not break up, I'm thinking make out...

And finnaly Vickie Gurrerro's job was on the line in a tag match, which seems like a shitty way to fire someone. Like if I were at work today and my boss was like arm wrestle the guy down the hall, if you lose you're fired. I know! On a fucking Saturday! Shitty. The bad news is, the chosen one Drew MacIntyre was pinned by Edge and Vickie had to hit the bricks.

Sorry Vickie better luck next time your job is on the line in a tag match while you're not really an in ring competitor.

WWE Raw Review 02-28-2011

2011-03-03T02:54:00.002-06:00

So who out there likes promos? Well it doesn't fucking matter because thats what you are going to get. Now usually I defend the WWE and there abundance of promos and montages going into to Wrestlemania, I mean you don't want to give away any of your matches for free and that's fair. But come on man at least throw me a Daniel Bryan match, hell I'll take a quick Tyson Kidd bout. And just between me and you Vince, it takes a lot more creativity to "mock review" a promo than a match, I mean give me a break. Nonetheless here is my half ass effort to be funny, if you don't like it, blame Vince...

The Game Plays with Himself- I actually think that was suppose to say he "promotes" himself but I could be wrong. Yes HHH came out to give us a quick reminder of what he has done, you know...

Oh who doesn't miss crotch chops and X Pac, okay dumb question, no one gives a shit about X Pac

It was like Trips' more mature and more talented DX

Okay so he skipped over this moment but I think it's bullshit, I miss Henry Godwinn more than X Pac

So HHH makes it clear that despite people thinking he was butt hurt about his man love HBK being retired he is actually challenging the Undertaker because it is all he has left to do. Now I know what you are thinking but he has unsettled business with Sheamus, well so did Sheamus. But this is Mania time and Super Hunter is in full force so Shemaus' attack started like this...

A swift kick to the balls will take down even the worst dressed Kings

and ended quickly like this...

Well I would critique this but how else can you end a feud that has been brewing for almost a year besides a 2 minute annihilation

So I know what you are thinking, man Sheamus loses to Morrison, then to Henry, and now he gets destroyed in seconds by HHH, he is due for a break right?... Right?...

Sheamus vs. Evan Bourne- Yes on top of getting embarrassed by HHH, Sheamus lost in a squash to a returning Evan Bourne. Can't say I am surprised tough, I mean have you looked at the news lately first it was Dictator Honsi Mubarak of Egypt who fell then Muammar Gaddafi of Libya (and that jackass in Wisconsin is barely holding on) and now we see the over throw of King Sheamus. Well if HHH made one point today it is not only is he the master of the Hell in the Cell and Elimination Chamber but he's pretty good at Buried Alive matches, or sorry I mean Career Burial matches...

And I bet just to get some damn attention Cena will give his Eulogy

Michael Cole Does His best Andy Kaufman- Yeah I know, he does a pretty shitty Andy Kaufman but just in case you missed the subtleties, that is the feud that they are trying to recreate here. And as much as I hate to say it I will pay to see Cole get his no announcing ass kicked. So Cole accepts Lawler's challenge on two conditions; First that he get to pick his trainer and that his trainer be in his corner at Mania...

Why Swagger? Because he has nothing else to do besides not win the IC title again

Now Cole did not name his special referee but he did end this announcer team fun with an impact...

So Jack went from winning the ECW title 4 months after his debut to winning MITB to winning the World TItle to "What TV time? I'll do it, please pick me!!"

Randy Orton is Cool Again for a Moment- Yes Orton came out and cut a very simple promo, basically stating that when he was said and done this would be CM Punk...

Wonder how straight edge he would be then...

Right as Randy was wrapping up the Raw EGM made the announcement that Randy and Punk would wrestle at Mania and over the next few weeks Orton would be facing a member of Nexus and if that member loses he would be banned from Mania. Up First...

Randy Orton vs. The Retarded Guy from Nexus- Yes Randy got one of his two freebies out of the way early. Who is the other freebie you ask? Well here is a hint, he doesn't look like an odd clone of Dave Batista. The good news is, now Semi Perfect can go join his buddy Husky in the after life of WWE (probably FCW)...

Why did this move go from viscous to Randy looking like he is skipping like a damn girl?

I was going to make a joke comparing these guys to Husky and McGillicutty but all I can do is wish I could go back in time before Kevin Smith did Cop Out and became a fat whiny bitch

The Miz is Awesome and Cena is... there?- Now I know I am hard on Cena, you know mostly because he humiliates every person he faces while never progressing any of his opponents as characters. And while he is an amazing draw he is pretty devastating to the progression of future stars (like if Big Show would have just kicked out of his FU at Mania instead of putting him over) but with that said I usually enjoy his comedy... well not today. The Miz came out and pulled another classic heel promo that has become his staple as champion and Cena came out and did something like this...

Now yes I have used this video before but man it is awesome and it fits the joke, so fuck you, you do this every week and be original

So the point of this interaction? Apparently to make Alex Riley look like a jackass and put his job on the line in a cage match. So if you are keeping count Sheamus was embarrassed, Swagger was guaranteed he wouldn't have a Wrestlemania match, Semi Perfect is done for the foreseeable future, and A Ry gets put on the burner, not a good night to be an up and comer.

Diva Battle Royal- look here is the thing, I don't hate Eve as champion, I don't. I mean she is decent in the ring, has okay charisma, and I would name my first born ILOVEWRESTLING to see her naked, but her current feuds make me want to stab my first born out of frustration (relax I won't really do it). First she has a love fest without all the hot lesbo action with Nattie and now she is wrestling one of the Bellas? Yeah you heard me right, a fricking Bella won the Battle Royal to become number one contender. The Bellas have two talents, one they are hot and two they are twins, which makes them great for plugging in backstage segments or sneaking Ruffies to, but not wrestling. So until Awesome Kong debuts I will be showing hot pictures of sexy women instead of Divas matches, so go to Costco or Sam's and buy that 100 Pack of Hot Pockets, cause I am giving you material...

Men having two hands is proof that God knew the internet would be invented eventually

The Rock Phones it in... Literally- My brother has a two year child and he is a fucking star in the making. I mean even the people who hate kids love this guy, but this causes a burden on my brother because now everyone always wants to see him. You may thinking huh? Who gives a fuck? And first of all you shut the fuck up, my nephew is awesome, and secondly I bring this up because my brother came up with a very simple solution... Skype. And Monday that is basically what the now titled Absentee Superstar (The Rock) did. He stayed at home and Skyped with us. But hey Rock did made some good arguments for his love for the WWE, such as his trophy case...

Forget the fact that he left for 7 years, the guy has a trophy case of his titles at his house, that is dedication...

I hate The Rock for two reason right now, first he has made me feel like a damn High School girl dating a college guy... "Well yeah I fucked him, he told me he loved me."... "But Brandon (who is now a High School girl) didn't you catch on when he said he loved you but then didn't show up for the next three dances (dances are shows in this badly constructed analogy)?"... I know but once he said he loved me I gave it all to him, he even popped my chocolate covered cherry (that is anal)."... And secondly and more importantly I hate this guy because he is making me appreciate John Cena a little. Finally The Rock claims by going to Hollywood he has paved the way for people like John Cena. As much as I hate to say it I have to... Rocky tap the brakes... you may be forgetting these guys...

Come on not like his shit was any worse than "The Tooth Fairy"

And this movie was just badass

Daniel Bryan get his ass handed to him- This Raw has had very little wrestling so you can imagine my excitement when I saw Daniel Bryan coming out, even if it is against Ted DiBiase again. But this show had a theme and would stick to it...

That Theme? Long Promos and Burying/Embarrassing/Misusing your Youth (John Morrison didn't make it on TV to get embarrassed)

Alex Riley vs John Cena- Now we have your Main Event and sorry if I sound a little cynical throughout this match but I am actually quite a big fan of Alex Riley and I think he adds something to The Miz's gimmick and I simply don't understand why he is being removed from Wrestlemania, but nonetheless here is some pictures from an actual match...

Why does a Superman character need a submission move? Can't wait for Hogan to bust out the Kenji Clutch in TNA

So Cena no sells chair shots on a weekly basis but that this keeps him out?

Cena showed that Alex Riley, I bet that Riley won't showcase his abilities to talk with the best of them on WWE TV anymore

Now I have been tough on this Raw for it going against what it has been doing so well, which is promote it's future stars, but I can say with rejoice that this show ended on a happy note...

Can smell that Rock? A guy who shows up week to week after he already had a degree of fame... Can you see that Cena? A guy who can be a credible champion while putting other guys over occasionally

The End

Brandon

The Smackdown Review 2 - 19 - 2011

2011-02-26T19:52:00.000-06:00

This post is super late, and not a lot happened on Smackdown that was news worthy so you're about to get a really shitty short post.

Boo-f-ing-hoo.

As you can see from the 12 man tag match CM Punk felt the same way.

But don't get upset. Elimination Chamber was coming up soon so they didn't have a lot of time to really put together a great Smackdown. Hell, I don't blame them, even if it was the 600th episode, the Rock has returned to WWE.

Wait! The Rock has returned to WWE and then he doesn't even have the decency to show up to the 600th episode of the show created from his namesake?... yeah... Sorry Rock, but I kinda agree with Cena. And don't give me bullshit about how they replayed your promo from RAW (sorry doesn't count).

Angry rant over and now onto the only actual even on Smackdown worthy of note. That being the coronation of Dolph Ziggler as the World Heavy Weight Champion.

Now, I have a confession to make, I didn't get pictures off WWE.com before they took them down so the role of Dolph Ziggler will now be played by Kurt Russell and Vickie Gurrero will be played by Goldie Hawn.

One out of two will have to work.

In fact I don't have any pictures of anything so this could get interesting... try to follow as best you can. So the night started off with Goldie Hawn, I mean, Vickie Gurrero stripping Edge of the World Heavy Weight Championship.

Oh, and Edge will be played by Gillian Jacobs from Community...

Why you ask? Because he cheated and used the spear last week during his match which was explicitly against the rules. Then Vickie went on to fire Edge. It was as if Edge was being bent over and spanked by an elderly african woman in a wheel chair.

Basically how it went down

Blah blah blah the night went on and Dolph was set for his World Championship coronation. It looked like this.

only without the eye patch...

(and yes internet fans, Dolph Ziggler is a one time World Champion now)

That's the title history from WWE.com,

you can also check wikipedia (you know that thing never lies)

But suddenly and out of nowhere an authority figure came back to ruin everything for Dolph and Vickie.

No, not him, then again

I don't have a picture of Teddy Long so let's just go with it.

So Teddy Long came out (Much like Mr Belding in Saved By the Bell) and set things straight. He knew Dolph Ziggler was the one who attacked him so he stripped Dolph Ziggler of the World Championship. Then he placed him in a match with the newly rehired Edge.

"My name is Edge and I'm so happy that I just might

strip like Gillian Jacobs in some seedy movie"

He didn't strip though, he faced Dolph Ziggler one more time for the World Heavy Weight Championship. This time Edge hit the spear one more time and got the 3-count to become an 11 time World Heavy Weight Champion.

It was like this, only with confetti.

Teddy Long came out for one last announcement. Dolph Ziggler was fired. You could read the emotions off Dolph's face, but you'll have to read them off Kurt Russell's.

Still pretty close.

And so the one time World Champion Dolph Ziggler was fired.

Anyway didn't want to leave you with just a one subject post so here is something extra. I can't remember if this was by the day or hour but the key word search list for PWT3K usually consists of WWE divas that guys masturbate to (hence our typical hot pocket masturbation jokes). But today had a special add on... just read the list.

Yes, two hits from "Jesus never tap out." Yes PWT3K, the official home of jesus never tapping out a claim I'm sure Brandon will make often. Check back soon for this weeks Smackdown review where I plan to actually spend time.

WWE Raw Review 02-21-2010

2011-02-25T00:59:00.002-06:00

Finally the Doctor of Thuganomics Has Come Back- Yes it really seems like WWE is pulling out all the nostalgic tricks it has in it's hat. I mean first Stone Cold, then Booker T, then Diesel, then the Rock, then Trish Stratus and now the Doctor of Thuganomics. John was in top form using various questionable roles the Rock has played to question his manhood. But lets face it Rocky, you make it easy...

Does kind of look like he borrowed the wings from Orlando Jordan?

Even if you get laid this is questionable

Hard to make fun of Purple with Powder Blue pants on

Now the ironic thing is, John gave all these fair instances where The Rock was less than manly yet I still feel like this is gayer than any of them...

Also makes me feel like once again Cena's "better" than me at

Despite all the borderline homophobic comments this was a fun throw back to the days when Cena was popped when he was suppose to be booed (ironic), but I just felt like something was missing...

Oh don't act like you wouldn't trip balls for a fucking B-2 cameo

CM Punk vs. John Morrison- With all the people CM Punk is feuding with these days you may have forgotten that Punk sprayed some shit in John Morrison's eyes a few weeks back. Well Morrison has no feuds right now so hasn't forgotten, therefore we got this match which ends like all CM Punk matches...

Throw some salt on these two and I bet that's a Pretzel B Dub would love to "swallow"

You are thinking, wait what about the match? Where did Randy and Nexus come from? And the answer is, fuck if I know, I really don't remember (expect this quality throughout from me)

Kofi Kingston vs Alberto Del Rio- Now normally I am all for crossover during the "Road to Wrestlemania" and no one wants to see Del Rio on their TV more than I do, but... Kofi? Really? Isn't the point of crossover to match up two guys from both shows? Come on guys, I have seen the depth of the Smackdown roster, don't be ending any of Smackdown storylines on Raw, Raw is going to be okay without the help. But I digress, Kofi was like a child against the obviously superior Alberto Del Rio...

This was the most exciting part of this match. That car has way more charisma than Kofi

Yes not only is Del Rio good enough to be World Champion, he apparently could kick for my depleted Dallas Cowboys

This is in no way cheap. Del Rio is just simply showing Kofi he can beat him outside the ring since he had already done it in the ring

Gail Kim and Eve vs. The Bellas- Man this feud between Gail and the Bellas is getting heated, I would venture to guess the only place a feud with this much blood involved can be settled at Wrestlemania, and now Eve is involved, fuck me I am excited...

The one on the left is a dirty slut. Daddy hugged her less and Uncle Raul hugged her way too much (and you thought the molestation couldn't be funny)

Hey what can I say I love hits more than Charlie Sheen loves a hooker with a shady past

02 21 2011 in scary font- Yes it was finally time to see why the fuck Undertaker was hanging out in Jacob's Cabin (any Lost fans?) but before he could say a word he got a Wrestlemania challenge from someone else who has been getting paid to not be on TV ...

That looks costly but hey it isn't like Taker makes a huge return every day. Just like 2 or 3 times a year.

Well I can't blame Trips, if someone retired B Dub i would be pissed too. But that's mostly cause I hate spending my weekends writing a damn Smackdown Review

I know everyone is real upset that is isn't Sting but hey if it makes you feel better atleast HHH hasn't got so out of shape he has to wrestle with a T Shirt on...

This is before he decided to start wearing a shirt all the time.This guy uses more rest holds than Randy Orton these days

Mark Henry vs Sheamus- Well how quickly the mighty can fall in the WWE. A short time ago Sheamus was the second fastest rising WWE Superstar of all time behind Brock. Sheamus in a year one two world titles, got multiple victories over John "Superman" Cena, and beat HHH at Wrestlemania. Now Sheamus dresses like is being depushed, dresses like Lord of the Ants, and now has a straight loss to Mark Henry...

Why does this make me want Oreos and Milk? And why does it make me wonder how MVP is doing in Japan?

Funny thing is, for $5 Mark Henry gives Superstars piggy backs backstage

Somewhere a leprechaun had a tear slowly roll down his cheek

Michael Cole Interviews The King- So this interview had very little chance to not have incredibly tense moments as it was being that it had the One Man Car Wreck Michael Cole conducting it, and then Cole went off and brought up the dead Mom. Yeah... so... I know I should be funny here but as a person who lost my Dad last year I got to say this is cheap. Vince, we hate Cole already the dead mom thing is just cheap, now my TNA friends are going to call me a hypocrite when I mock the Angle/Jarrett/Angle's Kids shit. But hey good news is, we will get to see this guy get his ass kicked at Wrestlemania...

Don't you want to kick this guy's ass?

The Miz and John Cena vs. The Corre- Yeah so I guess I skipped some shit earlier, like The Miz coming out and basically saying he was disappointed that his childhood the idle The Rock could only come up with You Suck for The Miz. After clearing this up the EGM makes a the above stated match and for the World Tag Titles...

Isn't ironic these two are The Corre members without titles?

So maybe The Miz doesn't need to cheat to win every match. Gabriel may be more effeminate than Elton John, but he's no slouch

Team Names: Awesome and Superman? The Odd Couple? You Really Can't See Me?

So The Miz and John Cena are the new Tag Champs, I wonder how long that will last? Answer? Not fucking long... Rematch...

I bet John was more surprised than Owen after he heard the cable snap... Oh come one, you read the molestaion joke and kept going but an Owen joke is too far, damn IWC

Whooo 3 Time Tag Champions. Sure the closest thing to a real win they have is having to cheat to pin Santino but hey Edge just got his 11th World Title because Dolph was fired so I guess it's not a big deal

At least WWE didn't do this to their title...

What ever you do, do not look into it's eyes

Well Goodnight and have a Pleasant Tomorrow

Brandon

WWE Raw Review 02-14-2011

2011-02-21T00:54:00.003-06:00

So I know what you my dear reader have been thinking, "One of the biggest and most iconic moments in wrestling history occurs and this jackass can't get a Raw Review up". And the answer is... pretty much. I could blame it on the 10 straight days of closing at work, the 4 exams that occurred the days following Raw, the pre scheduled trip out of town that followed, or the two different cases of explosive diarrhea but I know that will not suffice as reason enough. So all I can do is offer up this post a few days late and ask for your forgiveness. I mean you did wait 7 YEARS for The Rock, and this site gets about as many fans as The Tooth Fairy has.

John Cena vs. CM Punk- Just when you thought this feud was over, you were wrong, because John Cena needs the extra TV much more than Randy Orton. So after much microphone bickering over who is the real hypocrite between these two, there was a match...

That CM Punk sure knows how to use his legs, makes my mind wonder to confusing places


Apparently McGillicutty found the keys to Hornswoggle's place

Wow another Cena loss? Sure to be followed by a quick no sell and a lengthy promo

Vickie, Edge, and Del Rio Oh My- This segment had a lot to it but first of all and most importantly it had the Future World Champion and the anti Rey Mysterio (and not just cause he doesn't touch kids)...

I don't touch kids unless you count tone ones who are 18 but are still in High School, but you already know that

Well all Del Rio wanted to do was talk about his destiny but everyone's favorite wrestling manwhore had something to say...

Think more talent and less dead...

But in Test's defense he did bang Stacey Keibler which sure beats the hell out of Lita

Well Edge got all up in arms over some of Del Rio's comments and went after the innocent Del Rio...

You know Edge in retrospect that might have been an overreaction

Thank god some law and order finally comes out to give Edge some news...

You know if you didn't watch wrestling and saw this couple in public I bet you would say, "Really?"

So we got lots to get to here so long story short, Edge is stripped of the World Title and may be fired because Vickie has proof Edge took out Teddy Long. I am sure B Dub will elaborate on the SD review.

Eve vs. Natalya- So Eve defeated Nattie one on one for the Divas Butterfly Belt thing, I suppose some writer has a Mexican Super Woman fetish for Eve, but here is a hot picture of Kimberly Page...


You know how many times Dallas cut that Diamond?

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz Part VIII- Yes we may have seen these two go at it several times, but like watching sunset or seeing a Trish Stratus thong slip, it just never gets old...

Never!

Ever!

Shades of the name we don't mention (Hint: he committed Double Homicide Suicide)

The Miz gets the win this time and cleaner than a baby's ass that Rey hasn't seen yet

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus- I think this match was titled "Yeah these guys aren't doing anything tonight" on the run down sheet. Despite the fact that this match seemed like a "eh why not" idea it was entertaining, and lets face it both of these guys need a win right now...

I am truly out of Modern Art/Ikea/Coffee Table jokes for this move

This is the worst picture of a RKO ever, looks like they are just laying out getting a tan, except the sun is only hitting one of them

So Randy won a match and came out looking good for once... right?...

Randy must be thinking, are you fucking kidding me?

But don't worry Orton fans because right when it looked like Orton was going to get his ass kicked again he got a little help from his new Bestie...

For an Orton fan isn't this somehow worse than getting your ass kicked?

Your Wrestlemania Host- So I considered several different ways to approach this "moment". I mean could I really break it down to pictures and cheap jokes? I almost did the entire Review as an Instruction Manual for how to craft a good show to give to TNA (time restraints, sorry), and I was even kind of hoping it would be Justin Beiber because man I had some jokes ready but ultimately none of this happened. And now I have had a week to see replay after replay of this, hear random person after random person bring it up as water cooler talk, and have my phone blow up with people I didn't even know watched wrestling to tell me they "marked" out over this and want to come over for Wrestlemania and I have just decided this moment is bigger than my cheap jokes. There will hundreds of more Koslov botches, thousands of more Cena wins and at least another year of TNA TV to mock on a weekly basis, but this moment, well this moment should just be remembered like Hogan's Heel turn or Eddie's World Title win. So sit back and for a moment enjoy the product like you aren't an internet smark for a moment...

Sorry B Dub, I'll be funnier next week. Til next, watch TNA with an open mind and remember that even The Great Khali has feelings...

Brandon

The Smackdown Review 2 - 11 - 2011

2011-02-13T12:06:00.000-06:00

The Smackdown Review, now with 100% more rhyming.

Every once and a while, comes a special post,

One that's not normal, it's better than most.

You see this week I attended a Dr. Suess Burlesque,

Some of the girls were hotties, some simply grotesque.

Either way it didn't matter, fun was had by all.

It made my wiener quite hard, not tiny and small.

The cat in the hat describes the typical size of my penis.

Then I got an idea. An awful idea. B-dub your blogger got a wonderful, *awful* idea!

"I know just what to do"

I laughed in my throat.

"I'll blog in rhyme this week, and oh how I'll gloat."

I chuckled and cluckled...

"What a great stupid trick, I'll spend half the time on jokes, and it'll still look slick."

So now I'll go on, without further adieu,

With this post about wrestling, I made just for you.

(and well pretty much anyone connected to the internet).

The Royal Rumble winner came out and so our night started,

His personal ring-announcer wore his typical face, like someone had farted.

Del Rio was there simply to celebrate.
Then out from the back came a piece of dead-weight.

Kofi Kingston came quick, wielding a weapon,
Which left Del Rio afraid, and praying to heaven.

Kofi attacked Del Rio, his head to dispatch,
This all of course, led to a short match.

But at long last Rio hit the cross arm-breaker,

A nice finishing maneuver, way better than Taker's.

During the next match, I really had to poop,
But alas came out WWE's 5 star comedy troupe.

While Santino tried adjusting Kozlov's lack of brassiere,
Justin Gabrielle came out to face Vladamir.

Remember, always stretch before ~~gay sex~~ a wrestling match

Despite the cobra, Santino and Kozlov were felled,
Does anyone else notice, how Corre is misspelled?

What's creepy is I had to steal those pom-poms from a porn site.

But that's not all from the Corre,
you'll soon see them more.

(okay that was bad).

Wade Barrett the gent, the multiple stable maker,
Was set do do battle with the infamous nose breaker.

This should be on the cover of Family Living magazine.

Justin Gabrielle distracted and that's all she wrote,

Remember when Wade used to wear that tailcoat?

Last week it was terrible horrible and sad,
Last week Kelly Kelly was fired.
It left us miffed, mental, and mad,

What the hell, I got five bucks...

But none of us quite so on-fire
as the chosen one, Drew McIntyre.

He vowed for revenge for Kelly's sake,
Sake no not saké, it's a common mistake.
Justice is swift, He vowed not long it would take.
There was one man to blame, Edge he would break,
And in his rampage, Chris Masters was left in his wake,
If you're keeping track that's 5, no 6 rhymes that I make,

Admit it, that last rhyme was pretty sweet.

JTG came out and Kane handed him a squash,
On JTG's career he placed the kibosh,

Did he have to give him a wedgie too?

This week and last didn't fair so well for Laycool.
Now let's all look at a picture of Layla and drool.

I love hazing.

Laycool's losing streak continued with a thumping from Eve,

I'd love to give Layla a thumping of something, and maybe conceive.

Very inappropriate Diva sexual reference: check.

It was time for the Main Event, Edge vs. Zigger, one-on-one.
The rules were simple, Edge hits the Spear, and Dolph Ziggler has won.

The special referee was Vickie of who Edge was formerly married,
Which isn't quite fair as she'd love to see Edge's title-run buried.

On and on, the battle ensued.
We were all pretty sure, Edge would get screwed.

It looked pretty bleak, the end did seem near.
But it was Vickie Gurrerro, who was set for a spear,

With veritable-vivacity, vehemence, vigor and vim,
She directed her spear, directed directly at him,

The power was pitiful, pathetic, passé,
It didn't look like Edge was going to lose, not today.

The special referee was out, the rules down the drain,
Vickie Gurrerro said "Excuse Me," But it wasn't quite the same.

The spear was released from the ultimate opportunist,
And then he waited for the ref that could get there the soonest.

Who would have thought that after becoming Superbowl champ,
Clay Mathews in ref outfit would come down that ramp?

The WWE universe got on their feet and celebrated.

Dolph Ziggler, World Champion? Tonight was not fated.

Now I know I've not been too concerned with cadence or meter
but I still tried hard and didn't cheat like a cheater.
I'm no Dr Suess, Joel Gertner, or John Cena,
But these rhymes that I'm slingin' can't get much clean'a

*drops mic like badass. walks off stage.