With NXT being a radically different show for the WWE, here at Professional Wrestling Theater 3000 we thought we would radically change how we review it. Instead of reviewing NXT, we will instead reach into the lives of the NXT Superstars. Brandon and B-dub have split the roster and will only review the stars that have been selected for them. Remember though, we are a comedy blog, so if you're looking for an angry rant on why Daniel Bryan laid down for The Miz (sure to happen), you're in the wrong place. Take heart though there is a place for you. The Internet.
B-Dub's guys.Daniel Bryan -
Okay, okay. So I have to admit Daniel Bryan (formerly Brian Danielson) is big news this week. He faced off with World Heavy Weight Champion Chris Jericho in the ring, and faced off against The Miz on the mic. But I'll play obvious card here.
That's a mug you don't want to chug.
Combine that with the mic skills of a kid with down syndrome and we've got a real question mark looming here as to how successful Daniel Bryan will be in the WWE.
I couldn't have said it better Billy Madison.
But let's move on to the more pressing issue here. That damned name change. Yep, it's already fucking with my head. I've already gone back and retyped his name twice. Which sucks because I don't consider myself an indy guy (mostly because the indy guys are annoying as hell). So yes, even with my very lacking indy expertise I have to say the whole name change thing is pain. I'd like to point out however, Danielson is a crappy name. I always kept thinking "Daniel son" when Brandon used to drone on about him.
Not the same guy, but that might make a good fight.
Michael Tarver -
That dinky towel wouldn't dry shit after a shower.
I've always been a big fan of a boxer type making his way in WWE. Now, that doesn't mean professional wrestling has ever got it right.
That ain't right.
But WCW didn't get it wrong like WWE did. Remember Brawl for All? People got hurt, like Steve Blackman, Road Warrior Hawk. Savio Vega never came back after his injury (sort of a blessing in disguise there). Then there was Bart Gunn. After successfully winning the tourney he then went on to face Butterbean at Wrestlemania. He then went down in 30 seconds. That's faster than a Thai hooker who needs quick cash.
Wait, 30 seconds? Really? Butterbean sucks. Our boy Tarver only needs 1.9 seconds. Hmm, wonder if Butterbean is open for another Wrestlemania?
Justin Gabriel -
So Justin Gabriel was one of the NXT guys who didn't make an appearance tonight. But they did describe him as Johnny Damon mixed with Adam Lambert.
As for the first part of that equation, we all remember Johnny Damon as the very boring MLB guest host on RAW. Here's Brandon's review in case you forgot (that was back in our CageMatch 1000 days, ah the memories).
Then there's the other side of that equation, Adam Lambert. What the hell does that mean? Are we in store for more homosexual antics a la Goldust cira 1995?
"Let's hope so..."
or does that mean something that even ABC TV couldn't handle, like Adam Lambert's uber gay AMA performance. Either way, the locker room is sure to be on edge when he's hitting the shower.
Then again maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. Maybe Justin Gabreil is what you would get if Johnny Damon and Adam Lambert were to have a love child. Okay so let's try this out.
If Adam Lambert and Johnny Damon had a love Child.
Here's what you get...
Wow, I'd say that was pretty scientific.... and accurate.
They could be twins.
Darren Young -
No, this isn't John Cena with blackface.
Daren Young unlike most of the guys who went out tonight is still relatively unknown. He lost his match faster than Bob Backlund loses a World Title. CM Punk (his pro) obviously didn't give a crap about this guy and who can blame him? Not me. The guy's a dufus. Look at that stupid hair. God, that had to take at least an hour to fix. I'm with CM Punk on this one, let's get him to shave his head and go straight edge.
But all this might be my unfair bias. I drank the other night and woke up with a life changing hangover. That's right, I'm going straight edge (this time for reals, maybe).
This is what I think of you Kalua.
Despite what the fans of the Indy wrestling scene may believe the biggest name and most noticeable "person" on NXT is actually David Otunga. You may be thinking hey where do I know this big piece of sexual chocolate from? Well in his intro video David gave us a few places we may know him from such as meeting the President, the Grammys, and several other red carpet type of events; usually hanging out the back of Jenifer Hudson's ass..
I wish I had a successful and famous ass to hang out of, closest thing I 've got is B Dub
Okay now I know what you are thinking, "I know David Otunga but it isn't from the back of Hudson's ass". You know this because rather than keeping up with world famous Grammy winners you like to sit at home and watch B rate reality shows. Well if this is the case you may know David Otunga as "Punk" from I Love New York season 2...
Following the footpath of so many great Harvard Law Graduates
Now that we have a better grasp on who David "The A Lister" Otunga is, lets take a quick look at what he did in his first match on NXT where he defeated Cena look a like Darren Young in a matter of minutes...
Not sure what this means, but as you can see when R Truth asked "Whats Up", Otunga took his pants off?
Otunga's Spine Buster that was more awkward than two High School virgins trying to replicate what they saw on TV
While Skip Sheffield may be one of only two the WWE decided to keep off the inaugural show he is no newcomer to the WWE. Skip Sheffield has actually been on WWE TV, losing. Most Notably as the last person ever to be eliminated in the last Tough Enough...
He lost to Daniel Puder. No you are not suppose to know who that is
Skip formerly know as Ryan "The Silverback" Reeves has since done what so many men do in wrestling when they are lost and need to reinvent themselves, throw on a cowboy hat. Just seems early for Skip, considering the other guys...
With that said I will wait til next week when Skip will seemingly make his debut to laugh at his attempt at a Cowboy accent.
Slater has been advertised as a Rock Band without the instruments, a virtual lighting rod of charisma. In FCW Slater has been most known for looking very similar to Edge, to the point that he was nicknamed the PG-13 and was asked to dye his hair red so people wouldn't confuse the two. In my honest opinion I think he looks more Edge's little sister who is going through that awkward pre teen stage...
Matt Hardy should sleep with him to get revenge on Edge
You may be thinking besides looking like the girl Stuart took to Prom I know that guy from somewhere. Slater did have a short segment on Smackdown where he got to show his renowned "charisma"...
If nothing else Slater will go down in history as the very first Rookie to get a win on NXT as he teamed with Christian to take on WWE's Laziest Suprstar and FCW's In House boxer...
Ginger Edge and Christian or Edge and Christian 2.0?
No wonder Carlito's hair stands up, he's electric
NXT's first Rookie winner and second worst Rookie hair
This Week's Top 8-
Pros: Great Accent and The World Champ is his Coach. Cons: He Borrowed Matt Hardy's coat
Wade Barrett unlike the former three of my group has little to actually note on. I mean their some boring stuff like he often does the role of commentating in FCW due to the popularity of his voice. He has seemed to mostly be part of tag teams in his two year stint at FCW. Barrett has won FCW Tag Titles with Paul Burchill and the man who stole Tiffany from B Dub...
Anyway moving on Wade Barrett showed up on NXT and did exactly what I heard he could do, talk. So I look forward to seeing how good or bad Wade is in the ring but til then listen to the tones of Wade Barrett while Matt Striker does his best Michael Moore impersonation...
This Week's Top 8-
1. Daniel Bryan... Because if he wasn't Number One the internet fans would destroy us
2. David Otunga... Despite the worlds sloppiest Spine Buster he did get a Presidential rub from Barack
3. Wade Barrett... Not sure if he can wrestle but his voice is soo dreamy
4. Michael Tarver... We only had 1.9 seconds to make this choice
5. Heath Slater... Despite looking like Edge's ugly younger sister
6. Justin Gabriel... We fucking hate Adam Lambert
7. Skip Sheffield... Skip gets 7th because he isn't Darren Young
8. Darren Young... Here's to hoping he goes Straight Edge