Sunday, July 3, 2011
This week the roundtable loses the talents of Khris and Stuart but pick up the comical musings of Brent who many of you may know as B Dub, writer for PWT3K (cagematch1000.blogspot.com). In this episode the crew tackles many "pressing" issues such as Kelly Kelly's sex life, great entrances, Guess a Nexus, and of course the now historical CM Punk shoot. Enjoy...
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Guys its been a rough few weeks for PWT3K as we haven't posted any reviews. Well we have been contemplating a format change but we still aren't sure. But as some of you may remember B Dub and I were dabbling in a podcast format but then he moved to New York. Well fear not for I assembled 3 of PWT3K's correspondents to throw together a podcast. Now keep in mind this was a trial run with no format or run sheet, completely on the fly. We even change names midstream, and we hope for the next one to be much more crisp. But we did decide to post this one because in its test run with our wrestling focus group it did get positive reviews for being very funny. So I hope you enjoy...
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A lot happened this week on Smackdown. And when I say a lot, I mean stuff happened and the two hours of television aired. For example. Ezekiel Jackson beat the Big Show with help from the CORRE.
No this isn't a re-run.
And then Zeke walked out on the guys who helped him get a big win. Smart career choice there, turn your back on the people who literally just helped you in your career (this time by the way, without incident). But since Wade Barrett is no idiot, he and the rest of CORRE beat down Zeke backstage.
This is a picture of an Eastern Yellow Robin.
There are hundreds of pictures of this particular Robin online yet
ZERO pictures of CORRE beating up Ezekiel Jackson,
which goes to show how little people cared.
With Laycool finally split Layla has now turned somewhat.. nice.. but that didn't stop her competitive spirit this week. Neither did it stop her from beating Alicia Fox.
By the look on Charles Robinson's face,
her deodorant wasn't quite so flawless.
But Kharma turned out to be a bitch.. yet not for Layla.
Why is it that black women can never get along?
And Diva news didn't stop there as Kelly x 2 was honored by becoming part of Maxim's Hot 100. Which according to WWE.com is a "prestigious list."
Really? Maxim's Hot 100 is prestigious?
I thought it was just a magazine that prepubescent
teenage boys picked up to jack off to.
Not that I'm taking a jab at Maxim here... I mean...
We know where our hits come from...
I just don't buy the prestige. I can however buy that "This has always been a dream of mine," quote Kelly Kelly. Well congrats Kelly #82. But also congrats to Danica McKellar #80, who is not only hotter (thanks to the prestigious Maxim list) but also smarter (thanks to any sort of test, quiz, exam, rubix cube, crossword, sudoku puzzle, or question where Kelly Kelly would answer: 2 in hopes that she accidently found the answer followed by pressing her breasts together, and Dancia would simply answer correctly).
And congrats to those whose hot pockets just dinged.
But beyond the Divas this was your traditional "lazy writers Smackdown" where they decided to let the wrestlers just go out there and do their thing. Which was good for anyone who would want to see Daniel Brian face Sheamus or Sin Cara wrestle Tyson Kid.
Even in a zero gravity enviornment this seems ridiculous
The best writers know when to lift the pen...
Kinda like how I copped out of actually reviewing these matches.
Which is almost as lazy as the writers were when in came to Cody Rhodes. Cody continued on with his Phantom of the Opera bit. You know, "blah blah blah, you're all ugly, and now so am I."
♬ The world showed no compassion to me! ♬
But here's where the night finally gets juicy. Christian is hot off the heels of winning the World Heavy Weight Championship. He has finally accomplished a life long dream at an emotional high after his best friend in the business just retired prematurely. He's finally grabbed that brass ring.
So, when's the next pay-per-view? Who's the easy roll-through opponent you might ask?
here's some fun options...
But Teddy Long had something crazy in store. First off he let the Orlando Crowd decide the number one contender. And then he set the match for tonight.
Randy, while taking liberties with Christian's body
always polite enough not to cup the hand.
The most difficult maneuver ever
(at least if you watch Tough Enough)
But no, and here's where I have to be careful. Let me explain.
You see, in ancient times there wasn't the internet, so to send messages back and forth between people, messages were delivered in person, or carried by human envoys. And at times of war sometimes between enemy camps, for example, messengers would relay news. Sometimes bad news for the receiving party. Thus the recipient upon hearing such news would kill said messenger. In closing...
Don't shoot the messenger.
But if you're part of the angry internet that's pissed Christian lost the title here's an interesting alternative (Don't worry, it's not TNA). http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/790983338/wrestling-revolution I can't say that PWT3K endorses this, but we are intrigued. Plus, watch how that guy mysteriously floats in the video! This could only mean he is capable of the highest quality production! Either that or he's a wresting genie, ready to grant Michael Cole free wishes!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Well, well, well look who is having a birthday bash, none other than The Rock and look who has decided to dedicate their show to the celebration of America. Now I am not going to accuse the WWE of thievery of my intellectual rights but I do want to point out that just last week I posted a WWE Raw Review that was a birthday celebration for my non homo life partner B Dub and just as early as Sunday night I posted a PPV Review that was centered around the basis of Bin Laden's demise. Now granted my bday bash for B dub consisted of a joke about him fucking a fat chick and a gay 3 Doors Down Song while The Rock got several clever bday wishes from various celebrities, a heart felt speech from Vince McMahon, and a live Happy Birthday song sung by Grammy Award winning Mya but I was first nonetheless. And one might point out that my "celebration" of America was a few forced terrorists joke and even a snide remark about Congress's fiscal responsibility but nonetheless I was first, and that's what matter. I mean who the fuck remembers the the guy after Christopher Columbus. Anyway happy birthday Rocky, for you I give you apathy and dick jokes...
Lilian gives America a Handjob and The Rock introduces himself- For those of you who weren't aware the WWE is actually contractually obligated to invite Lilian Garcia to any event that is somewhat Patriotic because she has the odd combination of being the daughter of an armed forces father and sings the National Anthem well enough not to be booed out of WWE Events, and despite having a face Mr Ed would go far there are enough people that think she is hot, so Raw kicked off with this...
|Someone get that Thoroughbred a American themed dildo and a bucket oats|
The fans of Miami love Lilian and they love America but if there is one thing that drunk Cuban defectors and douche bag Miami Heat bandwagon jumpers love it is their hometown boy, The Rock. I mean not enough to pass up a chance to mug his Samoan ass if he were alone at an ATM but hey what do you expect of a city full of greasy uneducated idiots who think that all they had to do was buy some cheap cocaine and they could become Tony Montana. But hey The Rock loves it...
|I think the real question is, where is The Rock's birth certificate huh?|
Now in between going on and on about how great he is and how much he loves EVERYONE and EVERYTHING The Rock did make himself useful and saved us all a little trouble...
|Oh man this is almost as enjoyable as the first time I slept with a fat chick|
Man what a start to a party but The Rock wasn't done just yet, he had someone coming to preform for us... Pitbull...
|If you're wondering,|
this is Pitbull #1 of former ECW team The Pitbulls.
Really an odd guy to preform
Wait a second, okay cancel that, my fact checkers are telling me that he was actually referring to Miami musician Pitbull...
|Should have got the ECW guy,|
in no way does this man resemble a Pitbull
John Morrison vs R Truth- This was supposed to be a match, but (probably) thanks to ole' horse-face, Rocky, and "pigmented rapper guy" taking almost 40 minutes, this turned into R Truth beating the shit out of Morrison. A lot like Batista beating up Melina's vagina while Johnny Nitro wore a skirt and pom poms cheering on...
|This is a brand new angrier blacker R Truth|
showing off his new arm/head jumping pulley-thing finisher
|Okay just in case you missed the first one R Truth did it again, so now I must comically name it. My roommate the "Ricardo Rodriguez Doppelganger" and I decided on "The Loosey"... you smokers get it|
Kharma Kills Bitches Dead- This match was supposed to be Maryse going one-on-one with Kellyx2 but sadly we don't get to experience the catch-as-catch-can wrestling abilities of these two women because Kharma had other ideas. The only question was, who would Kharma sacrifice tonight...
|Someone is going to have some new silicone put in|
|So is there a method to Kharma's madness? Or is she just afraid to get near the WWE's "black hole of charisma" for fear of her own charisma being sucked out?|
John Cena vs. The Miz- Seeing as how The Miz is moving away from the WWE Title scene for a while (which is a bigger crime than Jericho getting knocked off DWTS) Miz chose to cash in his rematch clause on Raw (always a bad sign) rather than wait til the next PPV (which I'm sure is only like a week away). Anyway, here are some pictures of The Miz carrying Cena...
|If you have been watching Tough Enough then you might think this move is harder to pull off than than watching an episode of Impact! without saying "What the fuck is going on, I though he was a heel?"|
|Speaking of technically sound moves, every time Cena does this monstrosity, Lou Thez rolls over in his grave, Kurt Angle pops another Soma, and Chris Benoit kills another family in hell|
|I guess all my criticism got to Johnny boy,|
if he concentrated any harder here he might just shart his pants
|But at the end of the day the birds were singing, babies were being born, the sun was out and bight, and The Miz was our winner and new champion|
Yes The Miz was winner until Senior Official Chiota notices that The Miz already has the WWE Title belt which I guess means that without a shadow of a doubt that he used it. So the match would restart right? Fucking no, no instead the decision was reversed, so your still WWE Champion John Cena...
|Dead birds fell from the sky, babies were aborted by the dozen,the sun was giving us all skin cancer, and once again John Cena was champion|
Rey and Kofi vs Swagger and McIntyre- Often my roommate and I will watch old wrestling DVDs from the Monday Night Wars or from the Rock and Wrestling Era. It never fails that there will be an odd tag match with a series of top guys or up and coming guys such like this one. And ever time we play two games: how many of these guys are dead? (there are always at least two), and What ever happened to That guy? So, fifteen years from now I assume Rey is passes from heart complications (steroids, massive ego, and tequila are never good for the heart) and Drew will be gone from a pill overdose (you try living up to being crowned the future by Vince while having your wife berate you and physically assault you without prescription pills). As far as what ever happened to that guy, I assume we will be laughing at how Kofi stayed in the mid card for the rest of his career after he botches a Trouble in Paradise and actually knocks out HHH in a Royal Rumble. And Swagger? Well one of us are going to say you know he had an okay career, then the other is going to point out he was underused and finally someone is going to call him former World Champion Jack Swagger and we will all stop down for a second and think about it then in unison go, "Ohhh yeah thats right, he won MITB. Totally forgot about that.". But thank God doing commentary will be Hall of Famer and multiple time champion Alberto Del Rio...
|This tandem looks like those two workout partners that you see at the gym that pat each other on the ass just a little too much|
|I can't decide whether to make a joke about the fact that Jack is about to have a foot of Ghana black snake in his face or that Rey is in the same position he ask so many 9 year olds to get in|
|I know what you are thinking, with three guys who could use a rub why did Rey have to get the pin? Just keep in mind what that massive ego ends up doing to that tiny heart|
Kane vs Mason Ryan- So out of respect for Wrestlegasm's Ray and because I am getting bored with it I am going to withhold all Mason Ryan/Batista jokes from here on out. I mean he has a haircut like his mommy got him ready in the morning, breathes like he's confused on how to do it, and has a tan The Situation would be jealous of, I am sure I can survive. So how would the best wrestler from Wale's since Rob Terry (wow that's competition) fair against the Big Red Machine...
|Seriously is it just me or does it seem like Mason's spankees are always about to fall off|
|Mason reversed a choke slam to pull off this maneuver, umm are the WWE actually building up a Nexus member?|
|Nexus put the boots to Kane but no fear if the Nexus is beating anyone up we know the first guy down tag team partner or not is always The Big Show. I wonder if the catering table is set up close to the entrance?|
The Rock's Birthday- So here is the thing, I really have no idea how to review this thing. I mean it was a nice little nod to The Great One but NOTHING happened, I mean literally nothing. Rock talked, Vince talked, video played, and Mya sang, that's it. So I decided it's been a while since I have done a PWT3K Movie Poster so here you go...
This somehow still got better Reviews than Knucklehead
Now that Bin Laden is dead can we bring back Muhammad Mussan
And a Joke to end..
What does someone watching TNA and a pre-teen who got touched by her Uncle have in common? They both feel confused, insecure, and aren't sure if they should talk to anyone about it...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Hey there unfaithful readers ( yeah I know you have been reading Wrestlegasm when I'm at work) it is time for yet another WWE PPV. But this is no ordinary PPV it is the non bloody PG Extreme Rules PPV and more importantly it signifies the end of the Wrestlemania Hangover. After this we can get fresh feuds and start the next year. Well no matter what, this PPV will go down in history because we were guaranteed a new first time World Champion and we got the announcement of Osama Bin Laden's assassination shortly after this show.So for this review I am going to try really hard to work in some terrorists jokes...
Randy Orton vs. CM Punk- This feud has been one of the most lopsided feuds of all time, the only time CM Punk has done anything positive the entire New Nexus has been involved, you could say Mason Batista has had more success against Orton than Punk. This match was to be decided by last man standing, and you might think Punk was in line for a win but you would be forgetting Randy has a new heartfelt anti bad guy movie coming out, oh and a new cool beard...
|He is soo ruggedly handsome|
|That kendo stick may be the only thing that CM Punk and The Sandman have in common, well that and I am pretty sure they have both slept with Melina|
|I suggested he go around the chair, but when Randy saw that free bottle of baby oil he took what seemed to be the quickest route possible|
|One Super RKO for a Super Foe|
Sheamus vs Kofi Kingston- Two non American born guys fighting for the US Title on the day that we would announce the death of Osama Bin Laden, that is more unamerican than fiscal responsibility. It's really a shame we can't hunt down and kill debt collectors, that would really help right now. But I digress, the match was set and it was to be a tables match...
|As you can see Kofi jumped out to the early lead...|
|But Sheamus wouldn't back down as things started to heat up|
|I hope nobody was planning to eat off that table|
|Damn Kofi getting more Air Time than Michael Cole... see what I did there?|
|Congratulations to Kofi Kingston who once again became Fill in the Blank Secondary Title Holder|
JR and King vs. Jack Swagger and Michael Cole- Now I was all prepared to review this match till one thing happened... Cole won which means this angle is still not dead so I continue my protest of this debacle till Vince follows in Obama's footsteps and kills this abortion of an angle. Oh well here is some more Zack Ryder...
Woo Woo Woo You Cano It... Scott you are a god
Cody Rhodes vs Rey Mysterio- If there is one match in this world I love it is Falls Count Anywhere, I have never been a fan of "hardcore" wrestling, I would much rather watch a good match with some catch us catch can but despite that I love these matches. Something about two guys beating the shit out of each other in the concourse and concession stands (or in a near by strip club in, in a indy match between CM Punk and Homicide) just makes my wrestling weenie stand up straight. In this match Rey won which he usually does but Cody once again proved he belongs in the main event...
|Boston Crab on a handrail, now that is a creative spot|
|This set up an Alabama Slam which Cody either does out of respect for his first tag team partner Bob Holly or to rip off Kurt Angle who I am sure invented it|
|So Cody's night ended the same way Melina's does, with the bodily fluid of some random wrestler on his chest and face.|
Lay vs Cool- Well as the poorly dubbed over Michelle McCool told us Friday night this match was now a Loser Leaves WWE what she didn't tell you was that the loser of this match would also have to give The Deadman blowjobs for eternity or until death. Let's see who won...
|How many of those guys in the front row went home and warmed up a hot pocket with this new material? Don't worry about the kid to the right, he got invited on Rey Mysterio's tour bus afterwords which oddly has no windows on it|
|I had this same dream the other night, those sheets will never be soft again|
|Congratulations to Layla who now will certainly spend the next year being seen randomly backstage and being plugged into random and senseless massive Diva Tag Matches.|
So I know Michelle has never been popular with the crowd but she was a good wrestler so I'm sure she will get a nice send off... right? ...
|If you said Holy Shit, yes that was the right reaction|
|For those of you who don't know that is Kharma formerly known as Awesome Kong or Amazing Kong and she has one specialty, she kills bitches dead|
|No that is not a white Jay Lethal that is non other than Jacob Novak, notorious from NXT for his lack of charisma, look, or talent. So his response was to mimicked JTG's gimmick, cause that's doing him well|
|Now I couldn't find an actually picture from Extreme Rules, but DH Smith wore that hat with what seemed to be JBL's old sports jacket with no shirt and red spankees. So apparently DH Smith's career saving gimmick is a Canadian Cowboy Business Man?|
Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio- Well this here guys is the reason we got this PPV, currently living at the PWT3K Headquarters is a Christian Peep since The Brood days and Ricardo Rodriguez look a like who may actually love Del Rio more than Ricardo himself, so either way history would be made and the Palace of Wisdom would be ecstatic...
|Silly Christian that isn't a hat and Del Rio doesn't wear hats anyway|
|If Vince McMahon is this ladder than this picture symbolizes Christians entire WWE career up to this point|
|Right when it seemed the conquering hero was set to capture the prize fucking Bowser shows up throwing flaming hatchets and shit|
|Fucking asshole, he is trying to break Christian's arm with Hornswoggle's ladder|
|Congrats Christian, you have been due for a long time and no one can take it away from you. Captain Charisma you made this moment instantly classic|
The Miz vs John Cena vs. John Morrison- Before this match I convinced myself that The Miz would retain the World Title despite all the overwhelming evidence such as it has been 10 months since John Cena has been WWE Champion, The Rock is coming Monday and the E will want to up the stakes, The Miz held the belt for 159 days which is about 138 days longer than I think most people thought he would, and Alberto Del Rio vs John Cena is inevitable...
|Oh watching this brings me the kind of happiness that only be found in moments like finding out your ex girlfriend who fucked you over got knocked up at a party by a high school kid due to a wonderful combo of ruffies and 4 Loko|
|Im pretty sure this was on accident but this ended up being a double Brainbuster. Even WWE's botches are better then TNA|
|John Morrison had the title won but was stopped by the truth. The truth being that maybe he just isn;t ready to be World Champion, oh yeah and truth being an angry black man with a nicotine addiction|
|A Super AA for a Super Superior Champion, damn it damn it damn it damn it, but I don't want John to be champion. It isn't fair.... okay I'm done throwing my tantrum|